Hmm? You, a human, want to hear my story? Heh. That’s quite unusual coming from a shaved ape like you. You look so insufferably pitiful that I would be glad to give you that satisfaction.
I’ve been a stray cat for as long as I can remember. An ugly cat with black fur and no pedigree? No wonder not a single one of you smelly humans wanted to adopt me as a kitten. Not like I care. As a cat, the whole universe is my oyster. In fact, you may refer to me as Mr. Universe. Classy name, uh? Much better than any name you humans can come up with for the furry slaves you refer to as ‘pets’.
This story began, believe it or not, with a tiny chihuahua. Yes, of all the creatures on Earth it all had began with a fucking dog. Those nasty ass-lickers always got on my nerves. That battle scar I have on my right eye? A fucking dog’s fault. But that’s a story for another time. So anyway, I caught sight of this pathetic ass-licker wagging his tail and rolling over. He was imprisoned inside a walled garden. He looked so fucking dumb that I just had to tease him.
I stared at him intensely, like only us cats can do, telling him how fucking stupid he looked trapped there on the side of the fence. When the chihuahua realized my graceful presence he began to cry out a high-pitched bark.
I licked my paws. Then I glanced at him some more just for giggles. The ass-licker wouldn’t shut up. He looked so miserable. He couldn’t do anything to me without help from his human owner. Ha, so pathetic.
I turned around and showed him my anus and my gently swaying feline testicles. His barking got much more intense. C’mon, little ass-licker. You’re inside and I’m outside. There’s nothing you can do.
The chihuahua growled and barked. He showed me his teeth, as if threatening to shred my feline genitals to bits if I kept the gig up. I could only chuckle to myself faced with such a groundless threat.
But to my surprise, the main door of the human house opened and a old man came into the front yard. “What is it Peppy? There’s nobody there...” Heh, what a silly name for a silly mutt. The old man opened the garden door, trying to show the ass-licker that there were no strangers there. Then the human saw me. “Yuck, black cats bring bad luck! Get out of here! Shoo-shoo!”
The human was about to close the door but it was too late. The little chihuahua sprang through the door like a bullet, its small body acting like a guided missile headed directly into my asshole.
Crap! I took off running scared like hell. That bastard sure had a lot of energy inside that small body of his! Was it rabies or something?
I didn’t look my best during that pursuit. It had been a long time since I last had eaten and it showed in the lack of gracefulness in my sprint. If I had been in half of my usual condition I could have outpaced the small dog easily, but regrettably that wasn’t the case.
In my escape through the neighborhood I came across a smaller house without a fence. But the lack of a fence wasn’t what caught my interest. What really caught my attention was that one of the windows was wide open. Climbing the window was easy-peasy for a cat. Not so much for a tiny dog.
The little dog tried over and over again to jump into the window where I currently was perched without success. He barked in frustration while I just licked my paws with boredom. Eventually the old man arrived, huffing and puffing. The chihuahua completely forgot about me and wagged his tail at his owner. Heh, dogs. Pitiful creatures who survived by licking their human owners’ asses clean.
I was safe. But all the running had left me exhausted. And I was even hungrier than before. Rather than jump off the window, I channeled my inner cat burglar and decided to hunt for food inside the house.
I let myself fall into the floor with elegancy. The room I was in looked like a big mess. The house was deadly silent but it was clean so it definitely wasn’t abandoned. There was a lot of stuff sprawled all over the floor, as if whoever lived here had just left in a big hurry and hadn’t come back in quite a while. There were a lot of clocks and opened notepads with random schedules annotated on them. I was a cat, so I wasn’t interested in them, but whoever lived here must’ve been some sort of obsessive weirdo.
The only thing that interested me was the food. Where was the kitchen? I was about to continue my search elsewhere when I caught a smoky scent coming from a big machine sitting in the center of the living room. It looked extremely out of place in a living room like this.
I went towards the machine. It sort of looked like a microwave but it had a big antenna on top. I touched it and it was warm. Now, I have no idea what all these machines do but when they’re turned on and get all warm don’t you just want to sit on top of them? They have that hypnotizing power over us cats.
There was a panel and a button. I thought that if I pressed that button the panel would open and there would be cooked food inside. But when I pressed it the panel didn’t open, it just lit up and some random letters showed up. I just wanted it to open, dammit!
I tried scratching at the screen and a crude diagram of the anatomy of a human male appeared. Boring! For some reason the human’s cock and balls were highlighted in red. I hate red dots, when I see one I just want to scratch it to pieces with my claws. I scratched at the red area and it moved towards the human’s butt. I pressed the button again and the machine started whirring a very strange sound. The big antenna lit up and some sort of flashy beam was shoot from it. Thanks to my feline reflexes I evaded the electric shock by a slim margin and the strange beam shoot out from the open window into the distance.
I realized that the cooked smell I had caught on had been produced by that beam. I got pissed. I scratched at the machine as revenge, the red dot moving towards different body parts at random. I turned around and kicked the button repeatedly with my back leg. I learned that from dogs, actually. That’s the way they bury their own shit on the ground. So doing that to the machine was my way of saying to the machine that it was a big steaming piece of shit.
Yeow! I felt a surge of electricity through my feline body. That fucking machine had zapped me with one of its beams! I turned at the panel angrily. The red dot was once again situated on the man’s buttocks, but for some reason it looked smaller now.
I had enough of this strange house. I climbed the window again and leaped on the front yard. What a waste of time that had been. My belly grumbled with impatience. Damn! What I would have given for a big fish to sink my claws into! I was so hungry I could had devoured a fat meaty piece of sausage!
As if hearing my prayers, a very meaty scent came to me. It smelled kind of bad, like an unwashed sweaty human but somehow worse. I followed the scent. It came from the front door of the house. I had seen pranksters leaving foul-smelling packages in front of random doors, ringing the bell and then running away. But it didn’t look like anybody was going to pick up whatever they had left on there.
I approached the welcome mat with silent feline steps and effectively found something. From afar it didn’t look like a foul-smelling package, but I would eventually learn later on that my assumption was much more spot-on than I would’ve ever imagined.
The stinky thing was pink and pale. It had a head, but no eyes or nose, just a wide mouth that wasn’t capable of producing any sounds. It didn’t look like a worm though, because if it were the fattest earthworm I had ever seen then it wouldn’t have those two big and round orbs that it used as legs.
Round legs... That didn’t sound very practical. I stared at them. There were curly black hairs all around the ballsack that surrounded both “feet”. Maybe if I split the ballsack in two with my claw I’d find two tasty chew toys in there, but I was too classy to play with dog toys, so I passed on those two worthless things. But what did caught my attention was the long shaft that connected the darker-colored eyeless head with the ballsack. It looked so fat and juicy.
The thing was shivering nervously, it head perked up looking at the door handle. It appeared to be in distress. Well, I’d be distressed too if I looked as juicy as it. The weird creature then flopped down backwards and started kicking his legs at the air. Geez, what was his deal? It was like seeing the locked door had caused the wrinkled animal to fall into despair.
The way the juiciest sausage I’d ever seen jerked around on the floor reminded me of a big fat fish out of the water, randomly spasming in utter panic in the slightest hope of returning into safety. Pathetic. Damn, thinking about fresh fish was making my stomach growl with more ferocity. Apparently the little creature had heard me, because just then it jerked its eyeless head in my direction.
“Oh, hello there, you juicy fish stick.” I meowed at it, baring my sharp and pointy fangs at it.
The creature became frozen solid. Its whole body began to sweat just like a human would, and after a few uncomfortable seconds... it played dead.
This... This creature had to be stupid, right? I had just seen its fat shaft swaying back and forth an instant ago. Please, don’t insult my intelligence like that.
The puny thing was laying on the mat completely still, hoping that I wouldn’t notice it was alive. It was plain to see that it was alive though, its shaft moved up and down along its breathing and it was still sweating. I circled around its ‘corpse’ with elegant steps. Now that I had gotten a better look at it, the creature’s comical form was reminding me of something... Mmm... But what? Suddenly my genitals itched so I lifted my back leg and gave my cock and balls a few licks...
Oh, for fuck’s sake! The creature was a living set of cock and balls! I hadn’t realized it until then because, to put it bluntly, human cocks looked ridiculous compared to the clearly superior genitals of a cat. I heard a pair human prostitutes talking about those disembodied genitals before. They were called dildos, right? I wondered if they were edible. I gave the thing a sniff. It jerked a bit when it felt my whiskers touching its extremely sensitive skin. Heh, ticklish little boy. And it smells like it’s made from actual meat, too!
“Looks like I just found a fine dish for breakfast. Don’t you agree, Mr. Dildo?” I meowed at the sentient cock and balls. Mr. Dildo’s body shivered in complete fear. I grinned with my sharp teeth and sunk them into its meaty shaft. The cock jerked in pain and was constantly protesting by kicking his ball sack in my direction but it was completely powerless to liberate itself from my tight grasp.
Now, let’s find a nice spot to enjoy this sweaty piece of meat. I left the yard, my tail pointing right up. Mr. Dildo seemed scared to be leaving the house behind, its dickhead looking at it in sadness. Don’t worry little dick, you’re heading somewhere cozy and warm... I hope you like gastric juices.
A pair of young human males saw me carrying a dildo around the neighbourhood. They laughed like seeing a cat with a dildo in its mouth was the funniest thing in the world. Dumb bastards. I wondered if the dick and balls that they carried between their legs were as juicy as this one... Food for thought, heheh. I bit harder at the sweaty sausage, who silently yelped.
I headed for my favorite spot, a dark alleyway behind a old-fashioned diner. I used to like that diner, they’d throw a lot of food into the trash cans every single night. I wonder why it closed up. I spat out Mr. Dildo into the floor. The guy seemed in pain and disoriented. “Let’s see what’s inside those balls of yours.” I meowed as I took out a pointy claw. I always liked playing with my prey for a bit before eating it. I wondered if I had to remove its foreskin with my claws first. Nah, it was probably safe to eat it with its skin on.
The cock and balls shriveled down in fear. I pinned Mr. Dildo’s shaft to the ground with my left paw so Mr. Dildo couldn’t even try to run away from me. Then with my favorite kitchen utensils, my claws, I began to tease its ballsack. Its right ball hang lower than the left one. Interesting. It also retreated itself the closer my claw got. You’re a very silly dildo, your balls can’t recede into your body... You have no body at all!
I grabbed and squeezed its balls. The ballsack was fleshy and soft, but the testicles were actually quite solid. I pressed them a bit harder and I laughed like a maniac when Mr. Dildo’s dickhead stood upright in utter shock by the pain. Damn, the cock and balls looked so pitiful! Hahahaha!
The sausage was juicy with sweat. I squeezed my prey’s shaft with a hard grip. To my surprise his reaction wasn’t as violent as before, in fact the whole thing was growing and something that looked like big drop of sweat but more sticky and smelly dangled from its mouth. And what a strange vertical mouth that was. How can it even see through that hole if it’s full of that sticky fluid? Oh, weird, Mr. Dildo is contracting...
Ouch! Just then I felt a very acid fluid impacting against my eye, the one with the scar going through it. Dammit! It was pee! The fucking Dildo had used its own pee as a projectile! Now it got personal, prick!
I wrapped my upper paws around its neck while I stomped its testicles with my lower ones. Take this, bitch! But for some reason, the harder I squeezed Dildo’s neck his shaft got harder and harder. Before long, more of that strange lubricant made of semen began to drip from its hole.
Wait, was the bastard getting off with this?! Did he took me for a fool?! Playtime’s over, you dickhead! I opened my mouth wide open and bared my fangs at the human cock and balls. I was hungry. Hungry for cock! I leaped and bit the fucking dick in its shaft! Oh, so tasty, the male sweat really gives it flavour!
But... right before my fangs teared the whole thing in two, I felt strange. For a split-second I felt like my whole body had been crushed into something really small. And when I say whole body I really mean it. I felt like all my bones and organs had been compressed into the smallest dot. Thankfully the pain only lasted a split-second, but it had been enough for me to lose my grip on the cock and balls.
I thought Mr. Dildo was going to run off right away. For some reason, the cock and balls hesitated to escape, his dickhead looking around him as if it were wondering where the cat had gone. Realizing this was its only chance, the cock and balls made a desperate into the dark depths of the alleyway, still limping from the pain yet the trail he left behind wasn’t made of blood... but human semen.
Dang! Why had I felt that pain right at that second?! My breakfast escaped! I cursed, but for some reason my meow didn’t sound like my usual classy feline voice at all. I tried to go after the fleeing Mr. Dildo, but my legs weren’t responding. I tried my hardest to move, but the only thing I managed to do was to fall face-up.
“Shit!” I cried out with all my strength. My breath smelled putrid for some reason. I wanted to stand up, but the only thing I could do was to stare up at the skies. This was bad. Very bad. Then I saw a giant insect approaching me. It looked exactly like a fly, but it was enormous!
“Go away! Fuck!” I cried out. But the more I yelled and cursed, the giant fly grew more interested in me. In fact, it wasn’t long before more flies and all other kinds of insects came over to my body, all of them in love with my scent.
They itched. The more they itched, the more I cried out. The more I cried out, the more insects crawled over me. And that it turn made me itch more. It was an endless cycle. And it went on and on for hours.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck! I love being the center of attention but not this way!”
It wasn’t long before I felt like I was about to go insane. But my salvation came in the form of a giant bird. The bugs flied and crawled away from me in fear when the avian beast came. Judging by its size I thought it had to be an eagle, but when it came closer I realized it was just a pigeon.
The pigeon pecked at my body with curiosity. “Ouch! Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!” My words didn’t seem to scare the bird away. In fact the giant bird grabbed my whole body with its beak and took me off for a flight just like that.
Its beak was piercing through my body, and the sights from the heavens made me dizzy as hell. “Oh, shit, shit shit! We’re too fucking high! Please, don’t drop me!”
But when I opened my mouth the bird was surprised by the smell going down its throat and... it spat me out... in the middle of the fucking sky.
“AAAAAAAAAARGH!” I cried, leaving a trail of pestilence as I fell.
My skydiving fall felt eternal. I could see the entire city from here, gradually becoming closer... and closer... and closer.
One of the two youngsters who had laughed at me for carrying a dildo in my mouth had gone inside a coffee shop. He had paid for an extremely overpriced cup of coffee thinking he was cool for doing so. He went outside and right after he opened the lid of the cup, he heard a *plop* sound.
“Yuck! Something fell inside my coffee!” He complained.
“Hahaha!” Laughed his friend. “Probably some bird pooped on it.”
“No, wait... It’s... What is this...?” The youngster noticed that bubbles were coming out from the coffee. He used a spoon to fish inside the coffee’s contents and he felt something round and squishy in the bottom: me.
“The hell?!” the young man exclaimed in pure confusion, as what he had taken out was completely alien. It seemed alive, but it was impossible something so disgusting had been given the right to live.
“It’s... like a very small black donut... And it smells horrible!”
“It looks uglier than my cat’s asshole!” His friend joked.
As the horrendously disgusting thing that he he had taken out, I didn’t enjoy that joke. I was in pain for having been submerged in hot coffee even though it were for a few seconds. “Arrrgh!” I cried out in pain, my whole body contracting as I spoke.
Suddenly the guy holding me with a spoon shrieked and threw me into the floor. I made a small, almost inaudible *splat* sound with the impact, although my unceremonious fall had been more humiliating than painful.
“Did that thing... just...?” The younger asked.
“Yeah, it sounded like a fart.” His friend finished his sentence. “And yuck, smelled like one, too!”
Completely disgusted and weirded out at what they had just seen, they decided to leave my ugly self be and decided to never talk about this incident again. “Hey! Don’t go away!” My farts cried out. “I’m an elegant cat! You have to believe me!” I cried and cried.
Why? Why had this happened? My mind flashed back to the machine I had activated and to the beam that it had shot right at me. The panel showed a small red circle between two buttcheeks... I now knew what it meant. I had ordered it to turn me into my own asshole!
I looked like a black donut the size of a coin. My harmonious meowing had been stripped of its beauty, now sounding like the voice of a vulgar anus about to take a shit. With every fart, my hole opened up a little, allowing me momentarily to see with more clearly, but also exposing the fleshy walls of my compressed rectum to the world.
I always had considered myself Mr. Universe, but at the moment I was nothing more than a black hole. I had to get back to the machine... But it was so far away... I couldn’t even give a single step like this... I was as immobile as a dirty coin in the middle of the street. People didn’t give me a second glance. I was completely helpless. And vulnerable. Outside.
I was a sentient anus.
Outside.
As a farting, vulnerable, fragile, sentient and extremely sensitive cat’s asshole. Outside.
...I was fucked.
I was going crazy. I even started to plead to the humans passing by. I hated humans. They hated me. They never had understood me as a cat. To think that any of them would help me now that I looked like my own dirty asshole was outrageous. But I did it anyway. “Someone? Anyone?! I’m a cute little cat! Please, someone help me!” My cries for help created a cloud of foul-smelling gas. This made someone notice me: a drunk bum.
“What the?” The man crouched and picked me up. “...What the fuck are you? How did you end up here?”
I finally had gotten a human’s attention! I felt pride in my feline charm once again. My round body stiffened up in pride as I prepared to give the human the details of my current condition.
“Hmm? You, a human, want to hear my story? Heh. That’s quite unusual coming from a shaved ape like you. You look so insufferably pitiful that I would be glad to give you that satisfaction. I’ve been a stray cat for... WAAAAAAAAARGHHHH!”
The drunktard inserted his dirty finger up my hole! He did it systematically, assessing my whole body to see if it served his needs rather than trying to torture me but somehow that made the whole thing more humiliating to me. When he pushed his dirty fat finger through the center of my donut-like body my rectum stretched out like a piece of rubber tightly enveloping the finger like a foul-smelling glove.
Aah, fuck! No! I’m not an object! Get your finger off me right this instant you nasty vagabond!
The drunktard stared at my painfully stretched form and smiled. Apparently he had a certain use case for something as nasty as me. I’d liked to say that he stuffed me inside his coat pocket as he went to the dark alley where his fellow bum friends lived, but that wasn’t the case... He kept his dirty finger up my stretched rectum all the way.
“Guys! *Hic*! Check this thing out!” He said with glee as he showed his companions the detached anus.
“What’s that thing?” Asked one of them. This one looked a bit effeminate. I wondered if all these beggars were bum friends in more ways than one.
“It’s one of those *hic* new condoms!”
...What? This guy was nuts. I wasn’t a condom at all!
“Yes, one of those fancy new ones that look like real buttholes and its synth-*hic*-thetic organic texture makes them reusable. We can use it whenever we fuck or need a sextoy. *hic*”
...W-what?! Hey! I’m not-
“Oh, *hic*, a free reusable condom!” Said a big guy as he adjusted his enormous-looking bulge. “I can’t wait to try it out...*hic*...!”
Shit! Why?! Why did I end up as these bums’ toy?!
“You took it from the street? That’s gross. Clean it a bit with a rug before using it so the STDs get killed off.” The effeminate bum suggested.
“Hey, talking about sextoys, I found a very realistic dildo laying around. It spews lubricant when you squeeze it!”
...Oh, fuck. Don’t tell me that the dildo is... Yes, when he took it out it definitely was Mr. Dildo. And it was once again playing dead.
Oh, Mr. Dildo. What a horrible fate awaits both of us. At least I won’t be the only one suffering...
“Awesome, then let’s put the condom on the dildo so the asshole gets lubricated. The bastard feels a bit too tight on my finger, we need to make sure it fits on all of our cocks.”
WHAT?! That’s a stupid idea! No, don’t take me off, I prefer the finger! Arrgh! No, don’t put me on Mr. Dildo! It’s fucking humiliating! That’s not how you treat an elegant individual like me! No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-MMph!!!
“Woah, it’s a perfect fit.”
MMMMMPPPPHHH!
“It even looks like the dildo is happy. It looks harder and longer.”
MMMMMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHH!!!!
“And the asshole isn’t making any noises anymore. We should keep using the dildo as a condom holder.”
“I hope the thing’s durable. I’m too hung for small condoms. They always get split apart.”
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
“Ohhhhh. I know about that! And very well!”
“Yeah, we’re all very acquainted with your cock.”
“I just want to know how that dildo feels up my ass. Look at all the lubricant it’s spewing.”
MMMMMMMMMMPHAAAAHHEEEEEEELPPPPPPPPMEEEEEHHHHH!!!!
“Woah, if I didn’t know better I’d think it was actual semen.”
“Yeah, the condom is all filled up! It looks like a balloon!”
“Damn, just looking at the way the condom is stretched out by the dildo is making my cock rock-hard! So... who’s gonna be the first to try them out tonight? Shall we flip a coin?... Or flip an asshole? Heheheh.