"Let's roll for each stat as we go" Dirk answers. "It'll be more exciting as we discover our characters strengths and weaknesses through roleplay."
You don't like the sound of that because it limits your ability to min-max but now that you've boasted about how advanced a player you are you can't back down.
"Okay, fine." you reply "But if I don't get a high erotic score I'm making a different character." (And by different you mean the same class/race combination with minor cosmetic tweaks)
Dirk seems uncomfortable after your comment about the erotic scores.
"Umm we're not going to uhh do that thing again are we?" Dirk asks, referring to the handies you gave each other last time. "I wasn't really comfortable with that. I'd rather we kept the game clean..."
"Hmm we'll see." you reply in a non-committal way. Before he can object further you start the story "We open up on the Apple Tree Inn where our two majestic unicorns have met up in hopes of finding an adventure that will lead to treasure, fame and friendship-"
"Hopefully not in that order" Dirk smiled. Always with the jokes. You do wish he would take this more seriously but have long since accepted that his simple mind needed to make weak humourism to keep his attention from waning.
"Anyway there are a group of colts hoof-wrestling in the corner," you begin quickly before slowing down for the important part "and on the other side of the room there are several attractive horses sitting seductively and eyeing the patrons."
You continue to detail the attractive horses hoping to steer Dirk's attention to them.
"I trot up to the hoof-wrestlers" Dirk says happily. You can hardly believe his choice but play along since you're such a generous gm.
"One of them glares at you and asks what you want." you narrate not bothering to give this pointless npc a voice.
"I was wondering if there might be any rumors in town of possible quests for two capable unicorns." Dirk acted out in his horse voice.
"They don't appear interested and go back to hoof-wrestling"
"A wager then" Dirk persisted. "If I can beat your strongest colt in a hoof-wrestle you tell me something, otherwise I shall buy you all a round of drinks"
It looks like he wasn't going to let this go. "Urgh, Fine roll your Horsepower stat"
Dirk excitedly grabbed one of his green dice and rolled a six, immediately punching the air and cheering. You think you see a slight glow from the numbers when it landed but figure it must be a trick of the light. You also notice Dirk seemed to have gotten bigger than you seem to remember but chalked it up to him gaining weight in order to emulate you. (It's hard being a role model)
"Ok you beat their strongest horse at hoof-wrestling and they tell you the attractive land horses in the corner might have something for you to do."
You think you see Dirk roll his eyes and think you mutter something about railroading but assure yourself he is not clever enough to see through your masterfully cunning manipulations.
"I guess I'll head over to the land horses"
"My character is already making his way to the attractive group of horses" you say, glad that things were finally going to get interesting "Greetings and salutations, might I perchance interest one or more of you in spending the evening with me and possibly my compatriot."
"That's all right I just-" Dirk begins
"Ohh why we'd be glad to spend the evening with such a fine stallion like yourself," you play out with the npc's voice "and I'm sure we can find someone for your friend. To think that a pair of unicorns would grace us lowly regular horses with your presence, it is an honor to serve you in anyway you wish."
"What do they mean lowly regular horses?" Dirk ask stupidly as though it wasn't plainly obvious.
"Roll your Cleverness Clovers stat to see if you understand what they're saying" you respond. Dirk rolls a 5 on one of his green dice and you answer. "The horses that aren't unicorns or pegasi in this town all work as uneducated peasants tending to the land or otherwise serving the higher races. The pegasi work around the middle class."
Dirk immediately jumps back into character "Please do not speak of yourselves in such ways"
"For years this town has been ruled by the superior bloodlines of the unicorns. We are but simple horsefolk, in our rightful place serving them, after all we are useful only for our bodies which we give to the unicorns should they ask."
"Fellow equines. Do not let anyone tell you that you are not equal. That is not what Equesika is about. I will fight this injustice alongside you. You need not give yourselves to anyone unless you wish it."
You grumble at Dirk sidetracking your plot and messing with the fabric of your universe. You knew he'd complain about railroading if you tried to lead him back on track but figured a bad dice roll might shut him up.
"You need to roll a good Reigning stat," you argue, trying to salvage the situation "otherwise they won't listen to you!"
"Fine" Dirk begrudgingly picks up one of his green dice and rolls.
"HAHA SIX!" he bursts out triumphantly.
"No way!" you yell with disbelief "Six, five, six!? Your dice are rigged!"
"Why don't you try it yourself then" smiled Dirk with a cocky grin you had only ever seen on the dumbest of jocks. "Go on, if you get even half my score I'll be happy to let them continue living as they are."
"Fine" you snap, grabbing the die Dirk had just rolled and getting back into character "Do not listen to my friend, the unicorns have always treated you fairly and know what is best for the masses."
All you need was a number three or higher on your Reigning score. Dirk was such a simpleton, didn't he know the odds were against him. You release the die and it clatters for a few seconds before landing on a one.
"HA, see I told you the dice wasn't rigged!" Dirk exclaims smugly.
"Yea sorry" you mumble as you slowly feel yourself sapped of all confidence.
"Huh I think that's the first time I've ever heard you apologize for anything" Dirk scoffs.
"Hmph, let's just keep playing" you say as you get back into the role of the npc horses "Oh such a strong and brave warrior, please for such a brave deed allow us to bed you and your friend as a reward-
"Since we might be entering an erotic encounter I'm going roll my erotic stat." you explain before Dirk has a chance to interrupt your superior plot. You grab another green dice and roll a five. Getting such a high score gets you excited and you feel a tingle in your pants. Dirks however remains silent not responding to your prompt. You decide to move things along and get back into your player character before you lose your stiffy. "Yes we'd be happy to-"
"Enough Horseshit." Dirk interjected, slamming the table. Before you could ask if he was just doing another voice he continued, "Is this all just an excuse to play with my dick Marty?"
"What? No! Gross!" you expect yourself to recoil at the thought but for some reason your penis continues to twitch.
"Got to feel a real cock for once instead of your piddly little thing and couldn't get enough. Is that it?"
"T-that's ridiculous" you stutter as your mind goes back to how Dirk's moderate manhood felt inside your palm (and not just between two fingers like when you masturbate). Despite the subject matter having no relation to hentai or horses your tiny boner does not abate.
"Well then I don't care what weird shit gets your grub hard, but stop trying to drag me into it." Dirk sneered, "I thought this game might be fun and you might not be an arrogant prick for once since it's a game about magical friendship but I guess I was wrong on both counts."
"You got hard when we played last week!" you argue weakly.
"Only because I hadn't had a chance to cum in a week." Dirk replies, "Most guys don't sit around jacking off to hentai all day so they get boners without having to force someone into their weird roleplay fantasy."
"Well then why are you still here?" you counter, "If you hate it so much why don't you leave."
Dirk pauses for a moment. "You know what? I have no idea. You're selfish, arrogant, not half as smart as you think you are and always make me feel like shit. I can't believe I never realized this before. I'm out."
You're stunned for a moment. The only person in the world who could put up with you for more than a minute was leaving and only now do you realize you need him a lot more than he needs you.
"Wait!" you yell out after him "I'm sorry! I can change!"
"Ha yea fat chance" Dirk scoffs
"Please. What do you want me to do? I'll do anything" you start to plead.
Dirk mulls it over for a minute and drops his pants
"You want us to jack each other off again?" you ask excitedly as your cock jumps up and down excitedly.
"No nub brain." Dirk starts striding towards you and soon enough his cock is inches away from your face "Why would anyone want to touch your sorry excuse for a penis? No you're going to get me off and maybe I'll think of coming back next time."
Normally you couldn't get hard without hardcore hentai or some complicated erotic RP but even now sitting here with Dirk towering over you, you feel more aroused than you ever were before in your life. You slowly start to rub the front of your gym shorts hoping to wank yourself off but Dirk interrupts you with a shout.
"Oi I don't wanna watch you pleasuring your nasty little lima bean." he barks at you "Stay focused on me until I leave. Then you can flick yourself off however you want."
You move your hand away obediently. Even though your micropenis isn't receiving any stimulation you can feel your dick juices dripping out excitedly adding to dampness in your scraggly pubes and stained briefs.