"Well" began Felix. "I'd like to assess the full range of my options"
"Felix, we told you. The Chronivac can turn you into anything. Literally anything."
"Well I-I just want to . . assess all the options"
Claire laughed "Assess what? Everything's an option. Only one of you two boy brainiacs would feel compelled to confirm that everything is everything"
"Hey, why lump me in on this one?" laughed Tony
"Well, didn't you say that you spent an entire weekend every waking hour reading through menus, figuring out what you could do with the chronivac after Jeff got it"
Tony shot her a shut the hell up glance.
"That's what I want to do!" said Felix.
Tony shot her another glance. Thanks a lot!
A week later, Felix had his chance. Alone in his bedroom with the door closed on his sister and parents after dinner, Felix plugged in the laptop on his desk and laid the emitter down next to it. He'd had to endure a half hour lecture from Tony about the power of the Chronivac to get to this point. Don't do this! Don't do that! Make sure of this! Make sure of that! And don't use it! Don't transform! Just take the tutorial and read the menus! Felix sighed heavily just recalling it. He respected Tony's authority in the matter but god! What does he take me for, some kind of idiot? I'm as smart as he is! Hell, I'm first in the class. He's only third, behind grade grubber Amy Littrell. I'm not some overemotional kid like his little brother!
The computer was booted up now. There was no icon at the starting screen. The program had to be hidden at least a little bit. Felix clicked to get the full list of programs. Near the top of the listings were two innocuous characters, "C4". Felix double clicked on that one. The screen first went black then, as Ralph Vaugn Williams' majestic theme from The 49th Parallel played, a series of movie transformations appeared for a few seconds on this or that corner of the screen before vanishing again. Tommy Kirk became a shaggy dog. Lon Chaney Jr. became a werewolf. So did David Naughton. A shaggy dog turned back into Tommy Kirk. A half dozen Amazing Stories and cartoon transformations also flitted across the screen in golden shades against a pitch black background. Finally, "Trans Dem Labs Chronivac 4.0" filled the screen just as Vaughn Williams' music reached a rousing crescendo.
Two choices were offered on the screen to Felix. One was a tutorial. Felix knew he ought to go through it but he had seen Tony operate the program once. If Tony could, he could. It was pretty straightforward. Felix was offered a choice of scan mode or transformation mode. He tried scan for the hell of it. The screen immediately showed a 3D representation of a portion of the Fairfax house. There in dark green outline against a light green background was a naked representation of him in a seated position and labeled "Profile 7". In the living room below him, he could see three figures with less detail and of proportionally correct size. His father, mother and sister. He could see them moving slightly on their chairs and the couch. He clicked on the one that was his sister. It didn't show her name, but half the screen was now a closer picture of her and half was an incredibly detailed description of her, of anything about her you could possibly ask. But Felix wasn't really interested in knowing more about his little 14 year old sister. And knowing private things or embarassing things about his parents, seeing them naked! Felix hastily clicked out of scan mode with a deep sigh.
"Alright, let's look at the real thing" he muttered to himself. He clicked on "Transformation mode" and then from the list of profiles clicked on number 7, his own. Felix saw a naked 3D image of himself rotating slowly on the left side of the screen with a paragraph's worth of physical information, "6 foot 1 inch tall" "171 pounds" "40 inch chest" "30 inch waist" "38 inch hips" and several others a couple lines at a time. Over on the right side of the screen was a series of choices, the real heart of the chronivac work. Felix's eyes went wide and he caught his breath at the categories presented to him.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE THIS PROFILE?
ANIMAL
VEGETABLE
MYTHICAL
INANIMATE
SIZE CHANGE
GENDER CHANGE
AGE CHANGE
OTHER PHYSICAL CHANGE TO PROFILE
NON-PHYSICAL CHANGE TO PROFILE
For over 4 hours, a mesmerized Felix pinballed back and forth among all the options, sometimes reading pages of options line after line sometimes sitting there motionless imagining himself as a minotaur or a satyr or a gorilla or 6 inches tall. He was both excited and scared. Maybe the fear of himself as a fantastically powerful and often ill-intentioned beast was part of his excitement. Felix was erect while dreaming of himself as a minotaur and suddenly he recalled his shocking sex dream, as a greyhound, of getting it on with Lassie.
But it was getting late now and if Felix was going to do anything before going to bed he should do it now. He took a deep breath. He thought of himself as a minotaur again. He hesitated. He considered a satyr.
"N-no. That's not me" Felix realized he'd feel much better trying something safe the first time. The greyhound! That was an easy one. He knew exactly what it would be like. It'd be a nice safe test and he'd be able to tell Tony offhandedly that, of course he'd used it.
Felix unbuttoned his shirt as he set up the emitter. He glanced back at his door to confirm it was closed and pulled off his socks and shoes and then his pants and boxers. He stood naked on the carpet of his room next to his desk staring at the options on the screen. He noticed a choice on the tool bar at the top of the screen.
TRANSFORM TO LAST
PROFILE CHANGE?
"Well, that's a convenient shortcut" said Felix and he double clicked on that rectangle. He felt the electric wave pass through him.
Standing upright was immediately not an option and Felix bent over onto all fours. He remembered that even the same transformation didn't always occur in the same way, the same order of features so he didn't worry.
But then he did. Felix felt his body not losing, but somehow gaining weight.
"What the hell?"
He looked between his legs and saw his penis swell and stretch like a water balloon held to a faucet. "Wait. It got smaller last time. Why . . ?"
With great effort, Felix jumped his front legs up onto the desk. As he did so, he could feel his body continuing to gain mass and saw his arms and then the rest of him cover over with coarse gray-brown hairs. Felix tried to look at the screen, but then he felt his neck stretch out and he lost focus on the screen and then his face grew enormously forward. The weight of his huge head and neck tugged downward. Felix could only look down for a moment while he got used to his new dimensions. Looking down, he saw his fingers clump together and the two clumps blacken and turn into hooves.
"Oh no. I'm turning into an -HAW! HEEHAW! HEEHAW!"
Felix caught himself. Can't make any noise! Don't want to bring Mom and Dad running up here. He took a look behind him at the mirror over his dresser. There he saw the massive jackass rump that his tight little buns had turned into. He saw his three foot long tail with its thicker tuft of hair at the end.
Shit! A jackass? A jackass? I'm a . . a jackass?! Ugh. This is terrible. I'm fat, ugly, awkward and I'm the symbol of fucking stupidity?
Felix realized he couldn't see the laptop screen with his front hooves up on the desk. He stepped down and lost his balance, slamming his newly equine side into his dresser. He tried to collect his massive new body over his legs and slowly did so. Damn, this is so much more awkward than being a greyhound. I might get better at this but it still sucks.
I've gotta straighten this out myself. I can just hear Tony now if he finds out I got turned into a jackass by accident. How did this happen anyway?
Felix edged his huge nose up to the screen. On the left side of the screen, under the heading PROFILE 7 - FELIX FAIRFAX. Underneath it was a slowly rotating, 3D picture of a jackass. Felix felt a wave of humiliation at the ironclad fact of what he now was. And then he saw how he had screwed up. By double clicking on "Transform to last profile change" he hadn't changed to his last transformation. He had been changed to the last profile processed by that chronivac. Profile 5 had used the chronivac to become this. That was the last use of the machine. Profile 5? That's Mark isn't it? That stupid little ballet dancing bastard! Why the hell did he want to be this?!
Well, alright, how do I get out of this? He stared at the screen and let out a characteristically equine grunt. After a minute, he realized that it was actually fairly simple. There was a rectangle at one corner of the screen reading "REVERSE PROFILE CHANGE NOW".
Great! All I have to do is . . double . . click . .
Felix let out a furious grunt of frustration. How the hell do I double click? He looked at the little rectangle on the near the middle of the edge of the laptop computer's keyboard. Alright. Let's try this said Felix to himself. He jumped his front hooves onto the desk and tried to direct one hoof to the appropriate spot. His entire, huge body wobbled. Felix stepped down with his right hoof. It would cover a dozen keys of the keyboard but he missed the keyboard entirely. He tried again and missed to the other side. He tried again and came down right on the spot, but his weight was as much on the rest of the horizontal surface as the button. He felt the hard plastic giving way under his tremendous mass and heard the sound of it cracking.
Felix let out another furious grunt of frustration. He barely controlled his rage and his desire to crush the stupid device. He blinked at the realization that his mind was being affected by this grotesque new body.
Another idea occurred to him and Felix pressed his six inch wide nostrils against the laptop. He pressed his huge nose to it over and over hoping he'd get lucky and catch the button just right. But he didn't.
He stepped down from the desk and backed away from it stomping across his clothes in the process. The waist of his pants seemed pencil thin to him now with his huge rump.
Wait, that's it! A pencil! I can grip a pencil in my mouth. I can double click the button using a pencil. But his momentarily lofty spirits came crashing down. His modern style desk had no drawers. Felix never wrote. He typed. He looked around his room. Nothing. There was nothing. Nothing on his dresser, nothing on his desk or anywhere else that he could use to press the stupid goddam button. Felix felt the stubborn rage welling up in him again and only calmed himself down over several minutes.
Alright. Alright. I-I've got a pen in my backpack . . downstairs. Oh yeah, no sweat walking down there. Mom and dad won't be bothered at seeing I've been turned into a farm animal. I can just hear Tina laughing at me now. I've always seen you like this, Felix! Nya nya nya na na na!
Well, what else can I do? Felix asked himself. So, with a sigh, Felix started toward the door and then he realized that it was shut. And he realized that as a jackass, a simple doorknob was boing to be a great challenge. But Felix opened his huge mouth as wide as he could and easily fit the doorknob inside. It took him seven tries at attempting to turn his head and pull at the same time to get it open. Before leaving the room, Felix saw the laptop screen go black and he hard drive stop whirring as the laptop shifted into energy conservation mode.
Good. No one will see the program if they get in before I get back.
Felix ambled hesitantly to the top of the stairs. He wasn't sure how to get down but tried to start. And then, unable to control his immense mass, he stumbled. And then he tumbled. With a thunderous crash, Felix crashed into the front door, gigantic rump first. The door jamb gave way and with a furious whinny, Felix found himself outside his own house rolling off the front step onto the lawn. His parents and sister came running. His father shouted that the jackass on the lawn must be deranged. "He tried to crash through the door and bounced off!"
No, Dad! It's me, Felix! I was inside. Felix tried to say but only let out a beastly bray. "HAWWW! HEEEE HAWWWW! HEEHAWWWW!"
Damn! I can't speak a fucking word like this! I've got to get across to them somehow that I'm Felix, that I won't harm them.
But his sister and mother peeked around the sides of the doorway looking nervously at the huge beast before them and, worse, Felix's father went to get his gun.
Reluctantly, Felix ran off.