In his 22 years on the local police force, Officer Brody McMahon had never responded to a call quite so bizarre. Dispatch had routed McMahon and his partner, Darren Shields, to a public disturbance reported at a home in the city suburbs.
Even now, as he thought back on it while finishing off the related paperwork back at the station, the whole incident seemed absurd. At least his supervisor would get a kick out of reading the report. He was about to click his keyboard to file the report when his partner ducked his head into the small office. Crowding in back of Darren, Brody saw some of their fellow officers.
Darren, a cup of coffee in one hand, grinned and explained. "I told them that you're the better storyteller, and this one's a doozy!"
With a guffaw of laughter, Brody couldn't disagree. "That's understatement if I ever heard it," he noted.
Darren and the other four officers crowded around Brody's desk as their colleague scratched his head. "We had the damndest time getting the thing out of that house," he recalled. "I still can't figure out how someone could get that huge jackass up a flight of stairs and into a bedroom!"
Brody remembered arriving at the call, parking the car, and stepping out of the vehicle. He and Darren slammed their doors at about the same time that a raucous "HeeHaw" shattered the peaceful tranquility of the suburban neighborhood. They both looked at each other in stunned disbelief. Brody shook his head, dismissing his first impression, until more of the asinine braying disrupted the otherwise still and sedate neighborhood.
"Is that a jackass?" Darren had asked him.
"It can't be," Brody had responded at the same time the loud "HeeHaw!" sounded again from upstairs in the immaculate home.
With a snort of laughter, Darren said, "Sure sounds like one to me."
About that time, a man walked down the adjacent driveway. "Officers, than you for responding so quickly," the man said as he walked closer.
"What's going on?" Brody asked.
"That's what I want to know," the man said. "My neighbors are out of town, but I've been hearing that awful racket for at least an hour."
Looking around, Brody quickly determined that there was no car parked in the driveway.
"Their son might be home," the man said. "I'm not sure."
"If he is, sounds like one hell of a party," Darren remarked.
"I guess we better check it out," Brody said and started up the driveway toward the front door. When the neighbor started to accompany them, he turned and advised the man to remain outdoors. The man looked disappointed, obviously hoping to be able to witness whatever was producing the awful commotion.
They heard one last "HeeHaw!" as they knocked on the door and, when they got no response, opened it. The door wasn't locked, which Brody noted. He took the lead up the flight of stairs. His and Darren's boots clomped heavily as they climbed to the upper floor and began to systematically checking each room. The source of the noise had stopped. He wondered if it had been a recording. Perhaps their arrival had spooked the prankster. If it was the kid the neighbor had mentioned, he'd have some explaining to do.
They both got the shock of their careers when they opened the third door on the left and burst into a bedroom, their guns drawn, to come face to face with a huge donkey. The animal's eyes went wide with shock and it lifted a tail at that exact moment as it dropped a load of manure right on the floor of the untidy teenager's bedroom.
The smell assaulted the officers a moment later and made Brody wonder if gas masks might have been advisable.
"Well, it sure as hell is a jackass!" Darren exclaimed.
Brody couldn't help but chuckle. "Nothing gets past you, does it?"
The donkey suddenly began to bray again. The sound of the discordant brays made Brody want to cover his ears. Instead, he covered the animal with his raised gun, which perhaps convinced the donkey to go quiet again.
"What do we do now?"
What indeed? Brody considered for a moment. "Get on the horn," he told his junior partner. "We're going to need animal control, and they're going to need a big truck."
As he recounted that observation to his fellow officers crowded around his desk, it produced the laughter of agreement.
"How did you get the jackass out of the house?" One of the men asked.
"It wasn't easy," Brody said. "We thought about shooting it with a tranquilizer dart, but how would we have ever moved such a huge, unconscious animal?"
The men all nodded. "Fortunately, the guys with animal control had electric cattle prods," Darren interjected. "It wasn't so stubborn once they set to work on him with those!"
The animal control officers had been quite expert with their application of the prods, directing the donkey's clumsy movements through the hallway and down the stairs. Each time they had to apply a jolt of electricity, the jackass had brayed like a real mother.
"That's true," Brody said. "The home owners are going to be looking at a lot of property damage. The hooves of that big beast did some real damage to the floors and the steps on the staircase."
"And one living room lamp," Darren said and laughed, recollecting how the bulky animal had bumped a table and sent the lamp crashing to the floor in its efforts to avoid the jolts from the electric cattle prod.
"Did you ever find out how a donkey got into some kid's bedroom?" Another officer inquired.
"If it was the kid, he had skedaddled by the time we arrived," Brody said. "If it was him, and he was my kid, his ass would be so sore right now..."
"I think his jackass is sore," Darren said with a laugh, remembering all the jolts from the cattle prods needed to get the animal out of the house, more or less voluntarily. "But, if it was a prank he set in motion, he must be rather upset," he added. "The jackass stepped on one of those video-game consoles all the kids like."
Brody remembered sweeping up the shattered components of the Chronivac, which they had mistook for a game console. "It looked like an expensive one, too," he added.
"So, what happened to the donkey?" One of the men asked for the entire group.
"Well, the guys at animal control are only set up to take cats and dogs at the shelter," he said. "They called around to some local farms, but no one seemed to want custody of a big donkey."
"Where is it now?" The same man asked.
"They convinced the city zoo to house it for the time being," Brody said, bringing his tale to a conclusion. "It's going to be a call that I'm not likely to forget any time soon."
Everyone laughed and went back to their regular routines. Brody filed his report and went to the break room to get himself a cup of coffee.
Meanwhile, in a previously empty compound at the city zoo, Jeff stared through some heavy metal bars. He felt like he was in prison.
HeeeeHaww! "I am in prison!"
He shook his head and looked at some nearby people looking into a cage of monkeys and laughing. So far, if anyone had even bothered to glance at the ugly, smelly donkey, they had quickly turned their head and kept looking for something more interesting.
HeeHaw! HeeHaw! "Let me out! Someone help me!"
He felt his great black penis harden and he brayed in distress at realizing anyone could see.
Parents in the vicinity took one horrified look and ushered their precious children from the area before they had to respond to uncomfortable question.
EeeHaw! EeeHaw! "No! No! This can't be happening!" EeeeeHAWW!