“I apologize for my bluntness, but the severity of this issue requires it.” Dr. Hilton said, after a silence so profound you could hear a pin drop. She looked down at her notebook, reading over some notes, then looked up again, directly at Michael, “So again, I have to ask, do you really want to have a sexual relationship with your own father?”
I turned to look over toward Michael, who only kept the same astonished stare directly at Dr. Hilton, his breathing stopped completely and I could see him visibly trembling. I cleared my throat, partly for my own comfort, but also hopefully to prompt a response from Michael. He quickly peeked my direction, and then seemingly ashamed, looked down at his lap.
“It’s OK Michael” I started, “You should be totally honest with Dr. Hilton as well as with me.”
He took a deep breath, rubbed his arms a few times, paused for a moment as if collecting his thoughts, and then said, “Honestly, yes, I do.” Dr. Hilton betrayed no reaction, only jotting down his response in her notes, then waiting for him to continue. Meanwhile, I had butterflies in my stomach and I felt myself starting to become aroused once more. Bad timing for that, so I tried to think of other things for the time being.
“What you need to understand is, as I see him, he’s the boy I had a crush on for years, physically. But emotionally, or spiritually, mentally or whatever, he’s the only man who was always there for me even when I fucked up, who loved me and supported me unconditionally. So please, you have to understand that combination is tough for me to sort out – He’s both physically the boy I had a long term crush on and mentally the man I love with all my heart.” He paused, looked toward the window and continued, “I know it’s wrong to have those feelings, and I know those feelings are legit to have toward your father so long as it doesn’t have that sexual element. The problem is, I look at him, and I see the most physically perfect man I’ve ever personally know and to be frank, that really turns me on.” He said with a brief smirk.
“So you knew your father’s donor body before the procedure? Tell me about that.” Dr. Hilton asked, very clinically and without any sense of emotion. Michael went on to tell the story he had just told me about the first time he met Thomas and how he was treated, and how despite that, he still maintained a crush for years. I looked down at my tightly clasped hands once more, both seething with anger at Thomas and wanting desperately to comfort Michael, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do so as his father or as his lover – which is why we’re in this mess to begin with.
“So a bit of unrequited infatuation on your part and now you see a new opportunity – now that your father has the body of your high school crush? I want you to think about that for a bit, and you need not answer now, but really think about this. Is it your father you are actually in love with, or are you infatuated with the idea that you can be with the boy you missed out on all those years ago?”
That was actually a really good question, and one I was wondering myself for some time now. Just as I felt no emotional connection to my other son Trevor or his mother Trisha, my fear was without Michael in my life, I would also lose my connection with my family completely. If Michael didn’t really love ME, his father, and was only infatuated with Thomas’ body – then is there any reason for me to even try to live my previous life to any extent that I can in this new body and role? Thinking that, I realized I couldn’t just abandon my family, but likewise, I didn’t want them to suffer because my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I quickly realized I might have to discuss this with Dr. Hilton one on one – I don’t want Michael to think I don’t love him anymore, as terrible as that is to think about, it just might be our ultimate outcome.
“I’ll answer now.” He said, sitting up straighter in the chair and then leaning forward. “Yes, there is some physical infatuation there – I mean look at that body, he’s fucking gorgeous!” He said with a smile and a chuckle. I looked away a bit embarrassed, “But I also know that in that head is the brain of the man who raised me and took care of me for the last seventeen years no matter what.” He sighed and then leaned back, slouching in the chair, “Again, it’s tough for me to sort those two things out. Separately, Thomas was hot, but a racist douche, so yeah, there was no chance of me ever being with him in any way. So my only interest in ‘Thomas’ is his body. But then there’s my Dad. If he was his old self, obviously, I would have no attraction to him – sorry Dad – but I just had no attraction to what he used to look like. But that said, he was still an amazing man, well, still IS an amazing man – just in an updated package!” He said triumphantly, gesturing my direction as if showing off the goods for the doctor.
“So basically, I had no attraction to either one of them separately. But combined, as cheesy as it sounds, I believe him to be my true love, and that maybe all this happened for a reason, so we can be happy together, ya know?” He said, leaning back in the chair again, and then crossing his arms and puffing out his chest, as if to say to the doctor, you know my argument is a good one.
Dr. Hilton continued to jot down notes, took a deep breath, and then slowly removed her glasses and leaned forward toward Michael, notepad flat on her lap with her arms crossed over it. “The fact remains, Michael, that this person” she said, gesturing my direction but not breaking eye contact with Michael at all, “is still your father. Even if he doesn’t look like it anymore, inside, the person is your father, 25 years older than you mentally, and also mentally the man who fathered you 17 years ago.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose, eyes clenched, and continued, “I understand your dilemma, believe it or not, I really do. I get that you feel like he’s ‘the one’” she made air quotes with her fingers at that, “But I can tell you from years of experience and decades of researchers before me, that incestuous relationships are rarely positive and end up causing irreparable long term damage for one or both parties.”
She returned her glasses and sat back, placing the notepad on the table nearby, “I’ll be blunt again, I know you really love your father, and I know he really loves you too. But point of fact, do you want to risk losing that love for what could potentially be a lusty fling? What if you two do the deed and find out afterwards it felt really awkward and wasn’t anything like you hyped up in your mind? Can you both pretend it never happened and go back to being simply father and son, while in the back of your mind you’ll always have that regret of messing around together?” She looked his direction intently, trying to register any sort of reaction until he looked down at his lap once more, then she looked my way before shifting her position in the seat and continuing, “To put it simply, is it worth risking a one night stand with your own father to possibly, or even very probably, find out he’s not the one for you and then you both lose each other forever?”
She had a point, of course, and I wondered if Michael felt the same way. We would each have to weigh the risk of going that route, and I was finding myself, begrudgingly, starting to agree that the risk wasn’t worth it. Maybe because I was afraid to start my life all over again in this strange new body trying to fit in to an entirely new world, not to mention sexuality? Michael was a handsome young man (so fucking handsome!) he would have little trouble finding someone closer to his actual age to date if he put in the effort and learned to accept himself. Meanwhile, I would eventually have to come clean to my own wife and risk breaking her heart, but allowing her a clean break to start again if she chose – as well as give myself the opportunity to start fresh and try to pursue relationships besides my own son. But all of that would be a later discussion one on one with Dr. Hilton. Meanwhile…
“I understand all that Doc, I’m not as stubborn as most dudes my age,” Michael said a bit too defensively, “But in my heart, Hell, in my SOUL, I feel like God or Fate or whatever made all this happen for a reason, so we could be together,” he said, gesturing to the two of us, “My love for my father is genuine and real, and yeah, it’s grown into something different, something considered taboo by most people throughout history, but I can’t just shut it off, just like that!” He said, snapping his fingers.
He paused for almost a minute, looking down at his feet and finally said, still looking downward, “So unless you have some tricks or exercises I can do to make that love fade away, I don’t think you can really help me on this one.” He said, standing up, seemingly about to walk out.
“Michael, please sit down… Please, this is important for the both of us, please hear her out.” I said, looking at the anger in his face, with the fresh feeling of wet tears at the corner of my eyes once more.
Then he looked my way, he saw the tears forming, but his face was still a mask of adolescent rage, “Dad, I love you, I always have, and even more now than ever. She doesn’t get that, or she wants me to somehow forget that. I can’t! You’re the man I want to be with, the only man I ever loved who loved me back. I’m sorry Dad, but I can’t sit here anymore. I’m going to head home, I’ll call you later tonight.”
“Michael! Please!” I shouted, as he opened the door. He looked back at me, with a look of sadness, and then I saw it turn to anger as he looked toward Dr. Hilton, then he slammed the door as he left, shaking the room and its contents.
During all this, Dr. Hilton was writing yet more notes. When she finished, she put the notepad on the table and looked my way, “Well, that actually went better than I expected, to be honest.” She said with a weak smirk. I was floored, was she toying with me, with US? Now I’m sure my face started to turn red as I felt the anger rise in me. She saw my reaction and quickly added, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make light of that, it’s just I know it’s going to be tough for both of you to accept what I said, as well as come to accept this new change for you.” She leaned back in the chair, “It’s evident he loves you very deeply, that much is not in doubt at all. My concern as a clinician is can that emotion be redirected into a more positive outlet. Basically, can we get him back to loving you as his father and not as a potential lover?”
I was still angry, but I was forcing myself to calm down bit by bit. “Well, like he asked, is there some trick or exercises he can do to get there?”
“There are, when he’s ready to hear them. Right now, it wouldn’t be much good. He’s not ready to work on that at all. You, however, I think you might be ready if you feel like you are? A father’s love for his son, and vice versa, is a wonderful thing, and I would never presume to destroy that – in fact, my goal is to reintroduce it and strengthen it. For the both of you.”
I sighed and hunched over, staring at my clenched hands again, “I do, I just don’t know what to think of anything right now. I want Michael to be happy, I want ME to be happy too. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but it feels like no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt – and that’s why I don’t feel like I can do anything, why I feel emotionally paralyzed, because I’m trying to keep everyone happy, and it feels like I’ll end up hurting everyone I loved.”
She nodded, took a few more notes, and then she set the pad aside and leaned forward. “Then this is the first hurdle we’ll need to overcome. You’ve lived long enough to know you can’t please everyone. But what you can do is try to mitigate the damage your decisions might cause. I know right now Michael refuses to see the logic of my arguments. He’s still thinking with lust and infatuation, not what’s in his or your best interests. He might say he knows what he wants, and he might really believe it – but he is only 17 years old, he is not at the point of maturity where he can definitively make those sort of decisions for himself, let alone for others.”
Dr. Hilton stood up and grabbed her pad and reached out to shake my hand. “Unfortunately, I have another appointment to get to, but we will meet again tomorrow to discuss this further. In the meantime, I want you to work on coming to terms with the fact that sometimes we hurt the ones we love in order to protect them. Michael may very well hate you in the short term for not wanting to be with him, but ideally in the longer term, he will see the wisdom of that choice.”
I looked up at her, weakly nodded and said, “Yeah, I know. It’s not like I’ve never refused Michael anything growing up. He’s not a spoiled child. I set boundaries and stuck to them. I just worry this is different this time. This isn’t me refusing to buy him some toy or gadget, or not letting him stay out late with his friends, this is, to him, a matter of love. Romantic love – me telling him who he can and can’t date. It just happens to be me that he can’t date, but it still feels like I’m overstepping my bounds as his father.”
“Well think of it this way, if you knew your son wanted to date a criminal or abuser, you’d tell him he couldn’t to protect him, right?” I nodded, “This is the same idea. You won’t purposely abuse him, I have no doubt, but it could still be damaging to Michael for years to come if you two were to become intimately involved.” She checked her watch, “And with that, I really have to go. But you’ll be fine. We’ll meet again tomorrow morning at 9, OK?” And with that, she left me by myself to stew in my thoughts and doubts.
One way or another, I had to figure out how I was going to deal with this Michael situation the right way…