"Hello everyone, and welcome to a new episode of Animalia Ambassadoria." Said Sarah, starting the latest episode of Animalia Ambassadoria.
"Today we'll be looking at some of the most surprising things that happened either in Animalia or its colonies." said Malice. "Be aware, some of the things we'll be talking or showing you will blow your mind."
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"From Heiya Island, we have this news." said Malice, prepping the story from the news, "We all know that Ammy managed to take down one of the largest human trafficking rings in Asia. But what we probably didn't know was that the ring stretched all over Asia, even having a kind of 'checkpoint' on the edge of the Middle-east." (Stewie: Say WHAAAT?!) "But that wasn't the worst of it, the worst of it was the 'center point' of the ring had more than 200 girls, including underage ones, much to the outrage of millions across Asia."
"The mastermind had gotten himself the maximum sentence for such a thing, and Ammy and her councilors began finding their next of kin." continued Sarah. "And while it was successful, they only succeeded in finding relatives for roughly 25% of the girls, including all of the underage ones. (The Big Lebowski: "That's Marvelous.") But unfortunately this left Ammy and her councilors with more than 170 girls with no homes or families."
"But Ammy was more than compassionate toward them and gave them a home at her imperial palace AND not requiring them to go through her new Geisha school or become Animalians, though it will be inevitable." Said Malice, "Of course, such an influx of new occupants necessitated a new wing of the palace to be built, which some people have named, either derisively or jokingly, the 'Hall of a thousand pretty girls or 千人の可愛い女の子たちの館" At that Vlad collapsed facedown on the desk, again, and Dimitri crossed off another name, again, while saying "Oh brother.", again.
"We'll be including a link in the description if you want to see the slavemasters of the ring going down. Especially if you want to see a sheep Animalian using drunken boxing (and a bad case of "sake breath") to take several of them down." Said Sarah.
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"Moving on to Macduff's castle," said Sarah, using Google Maps to "go there" before bringing up the article, "Analysis of the monastery ruins that were found recently, combined with the carbon dating of the bones found there, led to an eerie parallel to one of the greatest anti-cheating stories never really told." At that the video switched to a somewhat cartoony version, with Sarah and Malice providing narration.
"According to the tale, a relatively small level Viking chieftain named Sigurd the Mighty (no, not Sigurd from Wagner's The Ring series) sought to expand his influence beyond the Isles of Orkney. He challenged a nobleman named Mael Brigdee the Bucktoothed to a fight and both men promised to bring forty men each, but Sigurd was not a man of his word. He brought eighty men instead and easily wiped out Mael's forces and decapitated him." said Malice.
"Now we know that one of the friars from the monastery saw what had happened, didn't like it, and condemned Sigurd's actions. Which caused him to sack the monastery the Friar had come from." continued Sarah, "The skeleton of the man found dead at the monastery's altar, probably the abbot of the monastery, showed no signs of any defensive wounds or any other signs that showed that he had fought back. So he probably offered no resistance, but cursed him 'in the name of the Lord', and yatta yatta yatta."
"But that curse made its way to heaven and God made sure that Sigurd would suffer severe punishment both in Christian and Norse mythology." said Malice, "Because as it turned out, the nobleman was called 'Mael Brigdee the Bucktoothed' for a reason."
"As his severed head bobbed around with each gallop of Sigurd's horse, his large incisors repeatedly dug into Sigurd's leg. And because they didn't have inventions like toothbrushes and toothpaste back then, the bacteria from Mael's mouth infected the resulting wound, and eventually claimed Sigurd's life." finished Sarah. At that there was a lot of comments on how satisfying the story was with one comment reading:
Card_Game_Master: "I don't know about you, but that's the kind of anti-cheating story I'll be bringing up when I see someone helping themselves to free money at the Monopoly table."
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"From Maelwano, We've gotten a bit of an unusual update." said Sarah, bringing up the article.
"Apparently they're having a bit of a two-part competition for dealing with the plague of locusts." said Malice, reading the article while making a minor face.
"The first part involves killing large amounts of locusts without using things like harmful chemicals or damaging them too much by 'crushing them'." Said Sarah, sounding genuinely baffled, "But the second part, and the reason for the first part, involves a kind of... cooking contest using locusts as the primary ingredient." (Stewie: Say WHAAAT!?, Hank Hill: I don't know whether to laugh or vomit.).
"Apparently according to the book of Leviticus in the bible, there's nothing wrong with eating locusts." said Sarah, double checking. "And it also says that John the Baptist did stay alive by eating locusts, not just 'wild honey'."
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"From New Zerzura is a perfect example of, 'congratulations, you played yourself'." said Sarah, bringing up the article.
"What happened was the opening of a new facility at New Zerzura called the Temple of the Body, which caused a minor dispute/debate among the Muslim brotherhood, with one such member raising a big, somewhat religious stink about it." said Malice
"But as it turned out, it was just a modern health facility set to an Ancient Egyptian theme." said Sarah, "And its overall theme was 'taking care of the body that God had given you'." said Sarah. This was followed up by a scene from a movie (I don't know what its' called) where one guy tells the other, "Congratulations... you played yourself." followed by another scene from Scooby Doo Where Are You! where Shaggy says, "Oh... me and my big mouth."
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"From Vilcabamba, we're meeting two members who are generating a lot of confusion about them thanks to fake news spread on the internet." said Sarah, opening the skype chat to two rather large fish Animalians. As it turned out, they were both Pacu Animalians and they helped explain some of the confusion surrounding them.
"While we are larger relatives to the piranha Animalians," said the first, "We have different teeth than them. We have a toothy 'pad' on the top of our mouths, with a lower jaw filled with what would resemble human molars."
"This is because Pacu are mainly herbivorous, and hang out under fruit and nut trees waiting for said fruit and nuts to drop into the water." continued the second.
"Part of the confusion surrounding us is a story that claims that we are capable of castrating humans." said the first, "While we are capable of eating nuts, we don't castrate humans." he finished decisively.
"Okay now we get it," said Sarah, "Pacu do eat nuts, but they don't eat human nuts."
"That's right," said the second, "One scientist said that you're more likely to be castrated by a weed whacker than a pacu." At that there was a mixed bag of comments ranging from relief to disappointment. These ones were mainly about making videos where the big macho fisherman guy suddenly goes from 'deep-voice' to 'high-piched-voice'.
"But if we're sufficiently starving," said the first, mischievously, "we're won't be picky about eating meat."
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"And finally, from Lyre and Animalia, we've got probably the funniest thing going on." said Sarah.
"There's no secret that there's a USAF officer who became a Bald Eagle Animalian with sponsorship from the US Military." said Malice, to a flood of comments of general annoyance. "But what really threw him for a loop and took him way out of his comfort zone was the fact that there was a female Bald Eagle Animalian that had become part of Project Phoenix due to losing a wing, and she was immediately taken with him." At that there was a clip of a lot of guys going "Oh!" at the same time, mainly due to someone getting a snappy one-liner that caused a severe "burn".
"To help explain that, we go now to Jen-jen who's interviewing Mike, from 'Mr. D.'s House Party' about his time with his assigned bondmate." Said Malice.
At that there was a scene change to Mike and his bondmate sitting on the couch while Jen-jen was asking standard questions that weren't too invasive of privacy.
"Ruffles is all right." said Mike, "It took a while to get used to her, but she's helping me overcome my insecurity around women."
"But why do you call her 'Ruffles'?" asked Jen-jen.
"Because the leucistic feathers around her neck sort of reminds me of an old-fashioned, ruffled collar."
After the interview concluded Sarah and Malice resumed the video. "And as we can see from these videos, our USAF officer is also having trouble adapting to his new, self-proclaimed bondmate, especially since he helped, uh... name her." At that there was images of them working out at the gym, getting new clothes for their new forms, and having a first date, all of which showed the female eagle Animalian clearly flirting with the USAF officer, while the USAF officer had looks that clearly read *Visible confusion and discomfort*.
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"And finally, for a real *bruh* moment, we'll be looking back at an incident from the original outbreak." Said Malice, bringing up another 'declassified' report.
"For locals, we all know that Andy has a place where he takes care of half a dozen stray cats." said Sarah, "The city lets him because they do a good job of keeping down vermin in the general area, but he occasionally leaves them bowls of milk and fish, so he's not a 'bleeding heart' that donates to 'animal welfare' charities."
"But due to some new employees from the place that picks up milk from the Brown Farm getting a little distracted," said Malice, smiling a little at the memories, "a barrel of unpasteurized milk, with virus intact was loaded onto their truck." At that there was the *bruh* sound effect, but Malice continued. "While the authorities managed to round up most of the 'stray milk', one pint milk bottle was purchased by Andy, and he left it out for his cats overnight." At that, there was a scene from Honey I Blew Up the Kid where everyone says "Uh oh." in response to learning that Adam was headed towards Las Vegas.
"So imagine his surprise when he woke up the next morning to six Cat Animalians in his bedroom, if not his bed." Said Sarah. At that there was a clip where two guys recoiled while yelling out "Dayuuumn!" Then Sarah continued "The biggest thing is that Andy still hasn't converted yet." In response to that there was the *bruh* sound effect again, except it was more like *bruh bruh* *bruh bruh bruh* *bruh bruh*. Sarah then continued again, "While this does have sitcom potential, the producers planning such a thing won't be meeting with him until the pandemic is over."
"We'll have more info on that story later, but for now it suffices to say that those rookies who got distracted had their paychecks suspended for the next three pay periods for their goof up." said Malice, wrapping up the episode, "See you all next time in the wilds of Animalia."