More commercials, more advertising. Is there any escape from the infinite black hole of commerce?
There was a commercial for a national submarine sandwich restaurant, now offering spicy guacamole as a filling. It was endorsed by some famous tennis player who elected to become a brainwashed bird girl a while back to improve her game.
There was a spot for a new rival show called “Despair Beyond Hope,” a game show that was a cross between Big Brother, murder mystery, and People’s Court. It was hosted by a stuffed rabbit girl in a red suit and featured realistic violence (contestants got killed in the show but in reality it didn’t count as they would be reincarnated as brainwashed animals right away).
Last was an extremely loud deodorant commercial, and then the show resumed.
“Welcome back to the show everyone! The semifinals are upon us, and the competition so far has been absolutely electric! Let’s touch base with our remaining contestants before we get the ball rolling once more!”
———
“You know him, you love him, it’s the Floridian surfer bro Brady Wakeman, who in a surprise upset managed to topple one of the most popular streamers around! Cheesy tactic aside, the people want to know, why’d you decide to make your maids into family instead?”
“Well mister host bro,” Brady explained, hugging Lilly to his chest, “I was just desperate to bring her back. After the wakeboarding accident that took her life, I just started going downhill. I lost my job at Pacco Fish Taco due to my depression. When I heard about this show… I knew it would be the only chance I had left. The only chance to save my baby sister and tell her I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save her that day.”
“It’s not your fault, big brother,” Lilly licked his cheek, “It was the waves. I didn’t know that wave was gonna spike on me like that. You were at work, you wouldn’t have made it in time. You brought me back, big brother! It’s up to you to make sure you win!”
“We’ll be rooting for you, bro!” Zelda bounced excitedly!
“M-me too,” Milly added, wringing her tail.
———
“He’s captured your hearts after exterminating the Ratmann, the pint sized rapper with a heart the size of the moon! It’s Keith Luis, otherwise known as Boyfriend.XML! The people are thirsty, Keith! What’s your motivation to be here?”
“It’s super simple,” Keith grinned, “I got dreams, man! Dreams of hitting the number one spot on the Billboard Top 100. Dreams of marrying my girlfriend and starting a family. Dreams of changing the world through my music! I almost have a full production crew now, so all I gotta do is get a makeup artist, a producer, a switchboard artist… the works!”
“I’m crazy excited for when we have a full team, boss!” Chestnut exclaimed, “Maybe you might be the force of change for better the old me was waiting for.”
“I’ve already got a billion ideas for food for you and your girlfriend, don’tcha know,” Bitty grinned, “I can’t wait until I get to get behind the grill for ya! I’ll put Gordon Ramsay to shame, you betcha!”
“Don’t forget me, Keith’s badass microphone!” Kylie piped up, “I promise to be there for you through thick and thin! Kinda burned to hear you already have a girlfriend, but whatever. Let’s get to the top together, yo!”
———
“She’s the wicked witch with a passion for power! You know her as Henrietta Winters, master of evil and self appointed villain of today’s show! Surely there’s a shred of mercy left in you, right?”
“You think I’d get this far if I did?” Henrietta smirked, “don’t make me laugh! You need to be cutthroat in this world to achieve ultimate power! Fifteen souls… my patron will get fat from their power! Power that I will wield to my own ends!”
Her personal prizes didn’t provide commentary. They were food. Food doesn’t have the right to speak for themselves. They existed purely to be consumed.
———
“Last but not least… no, I couldn’t say that with a straight face even if you tortured me… Larry Letterman. Otherwise known as Leisure Suit Larry, the longtime loser who’s somehow survived two rounds so far! The people want to know, what is your secret?”
“Oh, there’s hardly a secret to it,” Larry shrugged, “Just gotta keep a cool head about you and not let yourself get riled up is all. I won’t pretend that I have the most respectable reputation, but I tell you what I’ll finally become after this? Not just a winner, not just a bar owner, and not just a guy who wears leisure suits all the time! I’m gonna be a Playboy!”
“You’re already a natural playboy to me, Larry!” Leona giggled, “The girls and I’ll be rooting for you from the sidelines!”
“Yeah, whatever,” Rachel groaned, “As much as I hate how much I love you… I’ll root for you too, jackass. You better get me in good with that jackal girl who cheered me on, Larry! Ya hear me?!”
“Rachel, your blood pressure,” Sal massaged her fellow exotic cat’s shoulders, “I know you’re mad at the boss, but he’s not that bad underneath his… loser exterior.”
———
Henrietta looked her opponents over. Each one of them proved to be a challenge to her. Brady seemed to be of particular concern, so maybe she should topple him as soon as she could. Larry wasn’t to be underestimated, but his soul would probably give her patron demon indigestion. Keith… hang on, how didn’t she notice how strong his soul was? It seemed to eclipse anything she’d ever seen before! The soul of a fighter… He’d make for a most delectable main course.
Both Keith and Larry seemed to be in unspoken agreement that Brady and Lilly should stay siblings if either of them were to face him and win. Keith, of course, wasn’t planning on losing here. He promised his girlfriend Cherry Dearest that he’d come back a winner. He couldn’t break her heart. He couldn’t bear to disappoint her father. His soul was alight with determination. He would win at any cost.
———
Ladies and gentlemen, the semifinals are about to begin! Same rules as before, our contestants have to challenge their opponents, or get paired off by the computer! So now then, contestants…