The two large, hairy muscle jocks lay beside each other on Scotty’s bed.
Though the guys were Greek-god beefcake football jocks, there were still telltale signs of their previous twinkness they both decided to keep – cute tattoos on their tanned, hairy skin, long hair, piercings including small hoop earrings in each earlobe and nipple rings, bracelets, painted nails, and of course both of them wore the matching pink Chronivac wrist units with red hearts on them. The massive hunks also had their large jock-cocks and balls restored to them, currently relaxed bulges under pink and black leather miniskirts they had found in Scotty’s transformed wardrobe – the only thing they now wore as they reclined together.
The room still had pink in it, but it had been toned down considerably from before. Now it was a unique mixture of sports memorabilia and stuffed animals and pillows, a balance between the masculine football jocks and their previously more feminine twink selves.
Scotty had his hand around Jeffy, listening to the dark-haired linebacker talk. Jeff’s brown eyes were red from what felt like days of crying.
“I grew up with Will. He was a few years older than me, but we were inseparable. We did everything together.”
Jeffy rested his head on Scotty’s strong, hairy chest. He was exhausted from all the emotion, and just felt a numb quiet. But laying against his boyfriend's strong, hairy body, feeling him breathing, brought comfort to Jeff. “I think if Will were alive today, he would probably have been on the team too. He was into everything – sports, the arts, music, chess, drama – you name it, he did it. He had no fear, and he loved exploring life to the fullest.”
Jeffy looked over to Scotty. “You would have liked him. I know he would have liked you too. You had your granddad... Will was my amazing person.” Jeffy snuggled closer, and Scotty brushed his boyfriend’s long, dark hair idly. “You remind me a lot of him, now that I think about it. The two of you could have been brothers, for sure.”
“I’m sorry I never got to meet him. But I’m glad he was in your life.”
“It was one of the great privileges of my life to know him.” Jeff stared up at the ceiling. He squeezed his boyfriend’s big, strong hand with his own. “Just like it is to know you,” he said to Scott with warmth.
“The honor is mine,” Scotty said quietly, holding his sweet love. “I can’t even imagine ever losing you, even though technically we’ve only known each other for a few days now… With the Chornivac memories based so much on you, it’s like I've known you for years, but I’m still learning all about who you are, too. It can be a little confusing. But I know one thing for sure – I never want to lose you.”
Jeff held Scotty’s hand to his chest. “When I saw Will at the accident scene, I went berserk. I don’t even remember any of it,” Jeffy said, staring at the white ceiling above him. “People told me I was actually trying to pull the car apart to get to him.” New tears streaked his face, but he remained quiet, no more energy left to do more. “I knew my life would be very different from then on. I couldn’t conceive of it, of how to go on. I mean, it changed everything so profoundly and so permanently. But then, minutes kept coming. Hours kept coming. And even though I hated it, and it felt like they had no right to, the days kept coming, too.” Crying in silence. Then in a voice so small. “I hated life, because it kept going on as if nothing happened. As if Will didn’t matter.” His voice became shaky. “But mostly, I hated life because I killed my best friend, and I didn’t know how to go on without him.”
“That’s not exactly fair, Jeff,” Scott said quietly. “You didn’t get in a big pickup truck and drive around texting and cause a head-on collision. Someone else did that. Not you.”
“He was coming to get me,” Jeff emphasized the last word, sliding his head back onto a pillow, looking out the window. It was starting to rain outside. “I wasn’t even supposed to be at that party. If I had been home where I was supposed to be, Will would be alive now.”
“Listen to me, Jeff,” Scotty sat up. “You can’t possibly know that.”
“He was out to pick my drunk ass up.” Jeff looked so small and lost, despite his huge bulk.
“Some people would say it was simply his time.”
“And some people say accidents just happen,” Jeff interrupted, sitting up, his voice taking on some heat. “Those are just things people say, because they don’t know what else to say. They don’t really know anything.”
They sat in silence for a full minute before Scotty dared speak. “I only know I love you… and I don’t think the Will you’re describing would want you suffering now.”
“I’m sorry,” Jeff said humbly. “I had no right to say that. You know what loss feels like, I know.”
“I forgive you,” Scotty said openly. ‘The real question is… can you forgive yourself?”
“I don’t know,” Jeff said, calmed down. “But you’re right,” he said finally, smiled, “Will would tell me to let it go or he’d kick my ass.”
“So why don’t you?” Scott asked.
“Because… He mattered. He mattered so much to me.” Jeff sat up, looking at Scotty with profound sorrow and desperation in his eyes. “How can I possibly forgive myself?”
“How can you possibly not?” Scotty asked in an almost serene voice. “Does your sense of blame and self-imposed suffering help him, or you – or anyone else?”
Jeff struggled for words. “I can’t let go of him.”
“So don’t let go of him,” Scott looked Jeff directly in the eye, and could tell Jeff was about to protest. But he continued anyway, his voice nearly a whisper. “Remember him every day. Keep him in your heart. Honor him by embodying the very things you loved and admired about him, for others. That’s how he lives on.”
Jeff faltered. “You’re right,” he admitted in surrender, shaking his head, at a loss for anything else. “You’re right.”
“I know,” Scotty said simply, “Because it’s what my grandfather would say to me.”
The two muscle jocks hugged, and kissed one another, the sound of rainfall gently hitting the roof. Jeff didn't know why, but the sound made him feel safe.
“I don’t know how to do it,” Jeff confessed, “But I’ll try to forgive myself… for Will’s memory’s sake. And for you.”
Scotty kissed Jeffy’s tears away. “That’s all anyone can ask. And in time, maybe you’ll learn you’re not such a bad guy after all.” Scotty smiled, then added, “For an incorrigible twink.”
Jeff couldn’t help smiling. “There is one thing you and Will definitely have in common.”
Scotty just raised his brows quietly.
Jeff hugged him. “I like who I am when I’m with you.”
“What’s not to like?” They embraced closer, kissing, resting in silence.
Outside, the heavens cried, cleansing the outdoors in its healing tears, making the ground soft and fertile for a hopeful future.