04/20/2020
Dear Diary,
Another week has passed, and we're still here at the cabin. Mom, and I are getting more used to these swapped lives, but things still feel strange. Even though I'm in a new body, a maybe 10 year old body, I can't help but feel like I'm living in a dream that I can't wake up from. It's like im an imposter in this body, and I'm just playing a role that doesn't fits sometimes, with mom using my body's hight, with her now having it to make me feel as small as I now am and do chores around the house.
But mom seems to be adjusting a bit better. She's been taking care of me, making sure I eat and sleep properly, just like she always has done. But I can tell that she's struggling too. I catch her looking at my old body/her new one sometimes, a mix of longing and gilt in her eyes. It's like we're both trying to connect with our own selves, but they're just out of reach, and I can tell she can't help my body's hormones seeing her get annoyed before disappearing saying some stupid excuse, every day now! at any time, and “dealing” with them, what I still don’t want to think about, and find it odd that I have no such hormones any more.
And well, we've settled into a bit of a routine now. Our days mostly revolve around exploring around outside the cabin and trying to keep ourselves busy. Today, for instance, I did something I haven't done in years, I climbed a tree. I used to love doing that when I was a kid, but as a 14-year-old, I thought I was too cool for it. But now, in this small body (and me being a kid again), the branches felt like steps to a hidden world, what felt it was odd and existing at the same time feeling more giddy and open to allow my imagination to go wild! if that is the right word for it?
I climbed as high as I could, giggling and feeling the wind rustling through my brown curly long hair.
Then after that, I went well... skinny dipping in the lake. And yeah, I know, it's weird. But there's something oddly additive/freeing about not caring how you look at this age, and just enjoying the water against your skin, and I have only been wearing one of my old shirts because none of the clothes in this cabin fit me anymore. And they still hang on me like a tent, so it is not like I have been able to cover myself up properly anyway, but I don't really mind. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone, and mom in my old body is the only one here, wearing the same clothes but now they fit her perfectly, what just seems odd, and make me feel comfortable seeing her look exactly like me, ever her walk has changed and she is walking like well... me I think, but more boyish if not?
But anyway, not everything has been fun and games. I tried to do something I used to do with ease today, chopping wood. In my old body, it was a chore, and I could handle it easily, though, this body and its muscles aren't used to it, and I almost ended up smashing the axe into my foot. Mom ran to me and scolded me, with her seeing it, and she's right, of course i need to remember that I'm not who I used to be. I'm just a kid now and cannot do such stuff anymore.
I couldn't help feeling frustrated as I sat down to write this and still do, hopping this will calm me down, I miss the strength and familiarity of my old body, the body that was me for 14 years.
And me already feeling frustrated, so it did not help that mom took the axe of me and I watched mom in my body smiling getting more and more happier, the more wood she cut, (something she could never do in her old body) and hearing her say how much she loves that she can cut wood now! and how strong it makes her feel!
And yes, I know that this young body is probably my new body for now on, but still, it's hard to accept that my body is now moms, and I'm stuck in this young, week, unfamiliar one, and I still find myself staring at my hands and arms, forgetting that I'm even a different race now as well, and being a little shocked seeing brown skin instead of white skin, of my old body.
And to make matters even more stressful, we still haven't heard anything from Jason or Dad. It feels like they've have just vanished, and left us here,
And have been wondering where they are and how they're coping. Mom tries to stay positive, saying they're probably safe, but I can see the worry in her eyes. She's trying to be strong for both of us, but I know she's scared too, knowing my own face better than her.
I don't know how much longer we'll be here, with mom talking about trying to get back to our house in Newyork city, but I don’t know, it is pretty far, and I have said so, but she just says that it is not set in stone.
But All I can do is take each day as it comes, hoping that somehow, things will get back to normal. Or at least, or as close to normal as they can, with being in a world turned upside down by a star exploding, trapping me in this small body.
Well, that is it for now,
Until next time, Luke, the now 10-year-old boy signing off.