Ty awoke on the morning of his fifteenth birthday, annoyed at being picked on by his foster-brother Dustin, ignored by his foster father Mark, and not treated as well by June, his foster mother, as her natural son, Dustin. It also kind of sucked that he hadn't physically matured much and still looked like a little kid.
"I wish I'd get a bigger dick like Dustin has," Ty sighed, the lo and behold, his dick suddenly got bigger, growing to exactly Dustin's size, though his balls and the rest remained unchanged.
"Hold that thought," said a beautiful young woman as she stepped out of his closet, carrying a forked stick with wool on it and a drop spindle. A matronly woman with a hand-loom follwed her, and finally this ancient old grandmother hobbled out of the closet, but instead of a cane, she had a pair of giant scissors.
"Zeus!" cried the crone. "Get your godly ass down here this instant!"
In a flash of lighting and a roar of thunder, Zeus, king of all the gods appeared. "Who dares to call upon the mighty-- Eep!" Zeus finished as he looked at the old lady with the scissors.
"Atropos," the old woman introduced herself, though obviously Zeus needed no introduction, "you know, eldest of the Fates, the one who snips the thread of life. You know, the old biddy who saw you in diapers and was there when you killed your father, the titan Chronos? Father Time?"
"And," added the middle-aged woman, "we should add that if you are going to want to be unspinning our tapestry, we might as well unspin the bit where you killed your dad. After all, meddling with time was his bailywick and none of you gods has been doing that since."
"No, no, no!" Zeus said quickly. "No need to do that! We can go back to the current day."
"Lovely," said the youngest Fate, twirling her drop spindle. The light outside the windows flashed day-to-night and back multiple time, and then Ty suddenly remembered everything that had happened, up to an including his death at his mother Circe's hands!
"Now," said the middle-aged Fate to Zeus, "tell Lachesis your problems, Zeusy. I'm a mother. I'm certain I can get this all straighted out."
"It's just..." Zeus sighed. "All my sons are heroes! They didn't do anything bad."
The old crone Atropos raised her eyebrows. "Oh? I distinctly remembered something about Hercules killing his entire family in a fit of pique. And Dionysus rather regularly goes on a bender. It's sort of what he does."
"But..." Zeus said.
"If it's any consolation," said the youngest Fate, "this boy is not actually your son."
Zeus paused. "What? Circe told me that she had slept with no one else, mortal or beast, for quite a while." His face grew red. "Circe!"
In a swirl of emerald enchantment, she appeared. "Oh what is it, Lord Zeus?"
"You broke your word! To me! King of the Gods!"
"Actually she didn't," the youngest Fate said.
"Clotho knows the beginning of all stories," Lachesis reminded Zeus.
Everyone turned to Clotho, who related a simple fact. "Neither of you have ever actually had sex with each other. You both had sex with Proteus, god of shapeshifting, who amused himself by impersonating each of you to the other."
"Rather badly, I might add," Atropos added tartly, glaring at Zeus. "Do you honestly believe that the enchantress Circe, who has a reputation for nasty revenge, would ever become a 'good girl'?"
Clotho looked at Circe. "You can be forgiven for thinking that Zeus wanted to have sex with you. You are one of the few goddesses he hasn't done yet."
"I thought I did a rather good job of it," said the dresser, which then formed into an anthropomorized dresser, like one of the furniture people from Beauty and the Beast.
Ty was freaking out. "My parents are an enchantress and a dresser?"
Circe looked slightly embarrassed, then said to the dresser. "He certainly doesn't get his intelligence from me."
Zeus stood there, sort of shuffling his godly feet until Atropos said. "Yes, you are excused. But no more mucking around with our tapestry, or this time we'll unravel everything and let your dad eat you instead!"
Zeus nodded, then tried to restore some godly decorum, telling Ty, "I may not be your father, but that will make it all the easier to fry your ass with a lightning bolt if you try any really nasty shit. Understand, boy?"
"Uh..." said Ty, nearly wetting himself.
"Good," said Zeus, then disappeared with a slightly less powerful thunderclap as the dresser winked at him.
"Come along, ladies," Atropos said. "I think we've said our piece." She hobbled into the closet with Lachesis and Clotho following her.
This left Ty alone with his parents, Circe and a dresser.
"Hi son," said his father. "I'm Proteus. Want me to fix you up with a sexy loveseat?"
"What?" said Ty.
Circe rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm going to go deal with Landon. We have seven new children, and there's a slight chance that ONE of them might have an ounce of intelligence." She disappeared in a flash of emerald light.
The dresser grinned, then said, "Oh well, if you don't want sex, there are other ways to have fun. Want to go cause some havok with an Elvis sighting?" As it said this, the dresser morphed into a jowly middle-aged rhinestone-clad Elvis.
Ty felt himself morphing as well, turning into a young Elvis. Then he sang, "You ain't nothing but a hound dog" and turned into an anthropomorphic hound-dog Elvis.