"Secret" - Part Five: Charlie spends time with who Ben really is.
By Justin F - soulstrong.net
Part V Written 7/8/06 and 7/9/06
“You better go now if you want to catch up with him...but if you do, know I did enjoy earlier…” he told me, placing his hand on my back.
His hand was so warm, his voice was it’s normal confident and sure-of-himself tone, he…had forgotten all of this? No…he…just…didn’t seem to remember everything the way I did?
I stood up…if I wanted to figure this out, I had to go after Travis and see if he can truly remember his former life.
As I stood up, I felt Ben slap me on my ass and stand up as well as he brought his hand upwards until draping his arm around my neck and leaning in, kissing me. The kiss was so warm…but…this wasn’t the Travis or Ben I had known. This…this Ben must have believed some vague or rewritten version of earlier…that we had just talked in his dorm…enjoyed ourselves…and come down here…for who knows what reason.
None of this was right. And though none of this made sense, I couldn’t allow this lie to become truth. Even if neither of them knew of the change, I did, and either someone benefited or it would have all been for nothing. And if he never knew of what we had truly gone through, what relationship could I ever have with Travis or with Ben?
I pulled myself from his kiss and although I knew I was smiling, I had to do something—anything—perhaps…even get Travis back in here.
Yes…I could do that—I turned and ran down the hall, passing the many rooms, the vending machine, and pushing my way into the lobby—still not spotting him anywhere. If…if he had gotten away that soon—I’d have no hope of finding him now. Ben wouldn’t know where Travis lived, I didn’t know where Travis lived—so I’d be without a connection. I ran to the doors leading to the outside and pushed them open as I stopped; examining my surroundings. Many cars, people coming and going, lights, noises, hot men and women coming in and out of the gym—but no Travis.
I shouted out his name…again…again…again…but nothing.
“No luck, huh?” I heard Ben yell out as I turned and saw him approach. He was living a lie…he may know everything the original Ben knew--but I knew this wasn’t right…and if I didn’t help him to realize who he really was, he would never know—and never find out how to live his real life. The true Ben that I had known since freshman year would become twisted into suddenly being in a distorted relationship with me. The true Travis would always only just be a friend, at least from this point in time. All in all, I’d be living a friend or something more to both men who wouldn’t have deserved this twist in their lives, and which wouldn’t be honorable to their goals, emotions, plans, and lives.
I couldn’t allow this to happen. Without having Travis, my only hope would be on Ben, and though I had hoped I could talk to them both, it seemed impossible now.
“Let’s…go home” I breathed, turning to Ben, seeing this smile on his face as if everything was all right. The only other person who even knew of what had happened no longer did, and I was left with this abominable secret.
As we began our walk back to the dorm hall, I could only continue conversation with Ben as if life was as it always had been. Each time I asked him about the time we had spent earlier, he responded with thoroughly vivid recaps of what he knew had happened, along with odd facial expressions obviously wondering why I was asking him of what had happened only a few hours ago. Instead of his asking me to help him find his room, he believed that he was just lapsing on what his key looked like. All of the conversation we had shared in his dorm room was now just a large fog to him, “we talked about how that Travis Hunter kid had a crush on you” and then shyly but warmly “we talked about how I thought you were hot” –Travis normally had said ‘attractive’ earlier, but now he used words like ‘hot’ and ‘that kid.’ Travis and Ben were definitely both masculine-enough and jocks of their own skills, but it was certain words and the way they were said that almost crushed me…just…knowing of what had been.
But I couldn’t give in…I had to keep on trying, even if it meant (as it had been) abandoning any personal plans for my day and night. What was right was right, even if only I’d know what had happened—I just had to keep telling myself that.
As we made our way into his dorm room, I could practically feel the worry that was still left in the room. Ben hadn’t picked up on it, but I had, and I was still unsure of how to fix this. How does one make the impossible possible?
“So…Charlie, want me to put some music on or something? My roommate is out on a mini-study abroad program, so due to technical issues his bed is still registered to him, meaning that he’s out of it and well…if we push them together…you could be in it.”
…I had heard him, but now as I looked out of the window, everything just felt so surreal. Just like earlier.
“Chuck?” he asked, sitting on the second bed—the one closer to the window—his bed.
My ears twinged…”Charlie, please—I’ve never liked ‘Chuck’” I replied, suddenly aware that what I had said pay decrease my odds of…as funny as it sounded…spend the night with him.
“My bad, so…music?” he asked again, looking to himself in the mirror on the dresser…then grabbing the top of his shirt and pulling it off and folding it up slightly and tossing it into the mesh hamper.
I turned, watching him as he did these signature subconscious actions. “Uh yeah, I’d like that” I replied; the Ben I had always known I never knew was even bi or gay. Now…as I think about it…he was comfortable enough to kiss me in the gym, a full-on kiss…so…was that just his being adventurous or was it Travis’ personality somehow sinking through? Nothing else seemed to yet…but perhaps the most extreme of emotions would? Like…love… Like…remembering sadness and worry?
“Hey Ben…let me ask you something” I volunteered, watching him place a CD into his stereo and set it to a track. He turned and nodded as he made sure the volume was low just as the music began to play.
“Have you ever…wanted to be someone else? Or…felt like you weren’t quite yourself?”
He moved to the music and allowed his hips to flow to the beat as he thought about the question. I could tell by his sense of breathlessness that I had triggered something. I just wasn’t sure if it was what I had hoped for.
“I know it’s insane and…” I secretly purposely looked as if I were searching for the word, “paranormal, of a thought, but I’ve spent a lot of the day with you and thought the question might mean something to you” I explained, leaning on the bed as I watched him slowly move to the beat. The vibration from the music caused the two large light panels to tinge.
“…Like…Travis perhaps?” I added, hoping for something happen.
Ben blinked his eyes a few times, as if he hadn’t quite heard me.
And then I thought maybe he did…as I watched him suddenly stop and look at me, as if a flush of memories were coming back to him…