On the identity request sheet, you put down that you want to become a pro football
player. "It would be so cool to be big enough to mow people over" you were thinking as
you signed the form and took it up to the receptionist, although in your mind this still just
a joke.
After waiting about fifteen minutes, the receptionist calls your name and asks you to go in
the door to the right of her desk and sit down. You open the door and enter, only to find
a small office with a couch, much like you'd find in a psychiatrist's office, so you sit and
wait a few more minutes.
While you're daydreaming about why you're here, a large man in a lab coat comes walking
in, startling you. "Hi, I'm Dr. Thomas and I'll be administering your procedure today" he
loudly announces, holding his large hand out to shake. "Hi," you meekly state, and shake
his hand, feeling it practically get crushed from the Doctor's strong grip.
"So, I see here you want to become a big guy like me" the Dr. says, "let's figure out exactly
what we're going to make you into. Any particular position you want to play?" "I guess I'll
play linebacker, mow a few people down" you tell him, seeing him nod while typing some
things into the computer. "So, like Brian Urlacher then?" he inquires, and you respond with
a "yeah!". "Cool, that helps me out here...Brian is 6'4" and was 258 pounds last season,
will that work for ya?" "I guess so, I'll take any suggestions you've got" you tell the Dr. He
continues typing into the computer and occasionally writes something down.
"Ok," the doctor continues, "now I need to setup some of your environment. As you saw in
the ad, we modify your personality to match your new "purpose" in life, so I have some
more questions to ask. Seeing that you want to be like Brian, I'll assume you'd like his
personality characteristics too - we'll alter them somewhat so you're your own person still.
That saves me some time, as the computer helps us out. I guess I'll get to the important
stuff. What team do you want to play for?" Wow, you think, I haven't thought of that. "I
don't know, I guess I'll go with the Colts." "Good choice," the Dr. comments, "for the Colts,
I've got player number 53 available, is that cool?" "Yeah, that'll work," you state, eager to
find out what's actually going to go on.
"I've sent your new specifications to the computer so we can commence with the
procedure. It will take a minute, so sit back and relax while I go get your room ready," the
doctor tells you while he's leaving the room. You're getting just a tad bit nervous because
things haven't gone as you'd expected, but then calm yourself down thinking that maybe
in the room is where they're going to admit the joke's on you.
It seems like it's only been a couple of minutes, but the doctor comes back in and asks
you to come to the procedure room next door. You follow him into the room, as he
directs you to a table next to the door. "Here's the new clothes you'll need after your
procedure is complete. You see they're all Indianapolis Colts team gear ready for you to
wear. Take a look at these while I do one last thing," he tells you and then walks to the
other side of the room. You notice there's an XL sleeveless t-shirt there with the Colts
logo on the front, even the official NFL logo too. You turn the shirt over only to find your
last name and number 53 screened on the back. "Wow," you think, "they're really on the
ball here." You also notice an extremely large pair of shorts in the team color blue, a cup
and jock, and a pair of blue and silver Nike cross training shoes.
"It's time for the physical portion of the procedure," the doctor says, "please remove all of
your clothes and come sit in this chair." You strip your clothes nervously wondering what
he's going to do next and sit in the chair, which is extra wide and has a lot of cusioning.
You notice the armrests are weird though, as they are high up and extend your arms out.
The doctor instructs you to put your arms on the armrest and relax, meanwhile you see
he's attaching some tubes into the wall behind you. "I'm going to now take these tubes
and needles and poke you, they're going to act like an IV but only computer controlled. It
will only hurt a few seconds," he says as he sticks you once on each arm. "That's great.
I'm going to start the pump, you're going to see a bright yellow liquid go in on your right
arm, and a dark brown liquid on your left. The brown stuff is like an energy drink,
providing you with a high amount of protein and other nutrients necessary for body
growth. The yellow stuff is primarily saline, but also includes other necessary nutrients
and one of our special ingredients necessary for the procedure," he continues, as you feel
the liquids enter your body. "This stuff is going to make you feel bloated for a few
minutes until the changes begin, but it has to build up in your body first."
You feel incredibly cold as the liquid continues to flow into your arms. You can feel it
spreading throughout your body. "OK man, I have the trigger here in my hand," the doctor
explains while holding up a syringe full of a blue liquid. "I'm going to inject this drug into
your bicep here. It basically will rewrite your DNA to be a pro football player, much like
Brian Urlacher. You'll still be yourself when this is done, but your body will be
"professional grade" if you get my drift." He injects your arm with the drug - as you see
him press the syringe you can feel it painfully enter your arm. "God that shot hurts," you
exclaim, only to hear the doctor tell you "just wait for the rest!"
Your arm starts to burn like it's on fire. It's spreading down your arm into your fingers,
and up into your shoulder. You start to whimper as the pain starts to overcome you. It
spreads into your chest and back quickly, and now into the rest of your limbs. You feel
your bones begin to crack. They're growing. You look down at your elbows and hands
and see them enlargen before your eyes, quickly doubling in bone size and density. Your
legs and arms lengthen. You feel the vertibra in your back increase in size and you are
quickly approaching 6'4". Your ribs extend outward and your pelvis widens to become
proportional to the rest of your body. All of the bone material in your head begins to grow
as well, quickly enlargening your skull, nose, and jaw to a football player look.
Just as quickly as the bone growth came on, your muscles begin to swell with an even
quicker pace. It feels as if they are contracting constantly and won't let go. They are on
fire, pulsing with every heartbeat making them grow bigger. Your biceps are now 24",
your legs are now like tree trunks, and your chest has formed a large shelf for your pecs
and a rock solid six pack.
The burning begins to slow down as the hair on your head recedes completely, making
you bald. The doctor then takes the tubes out of your arms, telling you "congratulations
big man, you're almost in the realm of the NFL!". "Get up out of the chair and put on those
clothes you were looking at earlier. I know it probably still burns but it's better if we get
to the next step quickly!". You get up, still feeling that it is hard to move, but go put on
the new Colts team gear by the door. It fits perfectly on your new huge body,
"Follow me big man," the doctor instructs you, "and go into this small room. It's our brain
alteration machine, and it will give you the personality and thought processes needed for
the NFL. As soon as I close the door the machine will start to reprogram you, are you
ready?” “Yeah,” you respond and the doctor quickly closes the door. As soon as the door
latched the word ‘football’ enters your brain. You focus on it, you can’t of anything else
but that word. Your muscles begin to twitch, making it very uncomfortable, but you then
begin to realize you’re learning how to play football with their every movement. You then
begin to focus on your new life, how you love to hang out with the guys and talk about
football, lifting weights, and doing drills. It’s as if many puzzle pieces are falling into
place, making your life complete, filling you with everything you need to know about life
as a pro football player. It’s coming so fast at you, it’s hard to comprehend it all.
Meanwhile, the machine stops and the doctor opens the door, but your mind is still racing,
your muscles still twitching from learning how to use this new massive body you now
have. The doctor tells you “the head recruiter from the Colts is out in the waiting room
ready to pick you up, so you better hustle!” Once he tells you that you begin to come to,
and rush out of the machine, grab a gym bag full of football equipment that had your
name and number 53 on it, and went out to meet him.