You stand up, doing your best to act as outraged as possible despite your apparent guilt. "You can't do this to me!" you yell. "I deserve legal counsel! An attorney! A fair trial!"
The crowd gasps as though you'd just admitted to genocide, and the judge looks rather irritated with you, but then he gets a pensive look on his face. "Very well. It is your right to be represented by an attorney. However, given the circumstances we can't have you wandering off to find one, lest you try to escape. You will be assigned one that has been approved by these courts. BOBBY!"
"Yes sir," a nervous-looking and disheveled man answers from behind you, sweating profusely as he stands on his feet. By the way he shakes it looks like he can barely stand from all the tension, but he hasn't toppled over yet.
"Bobby, I'd like you to defend this delinque- or rather, ALLEGED delinquent. Please join your client so that this trial may begin."
"Yes sir." Bobby walks towards you, wiping his brow on his tie (the only loose piece of fabric he has), and then sits beside you. He looks absolutely mortified, but still managed to turn to you and introduce himself. "Hi, my name is Bobby... uh... well, I'm too stressed to remember my last name right now, so just call me Bobby." He laughs, but you're starting to feel concerned. "Don't worry, I haven't ever lost a single case. Or had a single case. I actually usually just watch the cases, don't really have any qualifications for defending you... but don't worry, I'm sure I'm good. Not like the judge would assign you someone incompetent, right?"
"Judge, I-" you try to protest, but he slams his gavel hard to shut you up.
"You have been assigned an attorney, as requested. HE will defend you, AS REQUESTED. For the duration of this defense, you are to REMAIN QUIET, and if I hear so much as a single word out of you I will hold you for contempt."
"But-"
"One more chance. You so much as look at me wrong and we'll skip straight to sentencing."
Defeated, you slouch into your chair. Only Bobby seems oblivious to the obvious fact: you're screwed.