I wake with a start, not sure how many minutes or hours may have passed. For a moment I’m confused and wondering what woke me up. And then as I hear a car door slam, I realize that the sound of my mommy pulling into the garage woke me. But I'm confused on what to do right now, my mind playing a tug of war. One side of me wants me to go running to her while another wants me to run back to my room, not wanting to be caught dressed in my…my Ballerina costume.
“What the hell,” I thought, my mind wrapped in fog.
I was having trouble placing a lot of things. For some reason I thought that this was my costume and I was in my bedroom, taking a nap after school, like mommy had me do every afternoon.
A pressure on my bladder interrupts my train of thoughts and rolling out of bed, I head out of the room that I can't figure out if it belongs to me or someone else. Downstairs I can hear mommy talking with somebody and for some reason I thought it was the babysitter. "But why would Samantha be here," I ask myself.
"Because she always watches you when you get home from school until mommy gets home from work." I tell myself mentally as I enter the bathroom and pull off the ballerina costume.
Not really paying attention, I sit down to pee, my mind still wrapped in a fog. It is only when I take some toilet paper to wipe myself that my mind snaps back, to a point, and I realize that I'm a fifteen year old male, not a little girl.
Looking down, knowing what I'll see, but still afraid, I pat dry my urethra. I finish and stand, looking into the mirror that is hanging on the back of the door. Where my penis and testicles should be is nothing more then flat skin. Placing my hand down there, I feel my vulva, horror and wonderment creeps over me.
"I have a girl's vagina," I say to myself, trying to make sense of what has happened.
For me, this is worse then the mind slips; the idea that I have a urethra, vagina, clitoris, labia minor, clitoris hood and labia major disturbs me to no end.
"I'm not supposed to have that. I'm a boy." I tell myself as I pull on the Tinkerbell underwear and the Ballerina costume.
My mind wants to slip, but I fight it off. I like the way the fabric feels and how it hugs my body. Opening the bathroom door, I begin to make my way back to....well my room. I'm not sure who's room it's supposed to be, so I'll just address it as my room for the time to avoid confusing myself.
Across from it is the guest room, but I ignore it and begin to enter my room. Before I can be greeted by the Disney and Princess Theme mommy decorate my room with, I hear, "Marcus, sweetie, are you awake from your nap?"
My mind slips and before I can stop myself, I run down the hall, downstairs and jumping toward mommy, who catches me up in a hug, I squeal out in a childish tone, "Mommy!"
Mommy hugs me and kisses me on the head. I'm slightly bothered by all this, but I push it all aside as I hear mommy telling me, "...you've been a good girl and took your nap, like Samantha asked. How about we have pizza for dinner?"
I nod at this and she tells me, "Okay, but you can't go like that. Go and get some decent clothes on Marcus."
Something about being addressed by my male name brings me back to my fifteen year old self. Climbing back upstairs, I wonder who's supposed to own the room I call mine and why did my privates change gender and sex. No answer comes and back in my room, I try to find some clothes to wear.
Unfortunately there are no clothes for a boy, so in the end I settle for a pair of dark purple sweats pants, the Tinkerbell underwear and a dark pink long sleeve shirt.
After I've finished getting dressed, I then head back downstairs where mommy proceeds to braid my hair. Something is off, but I can't seem to put my finger on what.
It's only when mommy has strapped me in that I think, "Mommy works the night shift at the hospital." But this doesn't seem correct, because mommy works at the hospital while I'm at school and Samantha watches me until about five when mommy gets home.
Confused, I feel my mind slipping and this time I do nothing to stop it. For the rest of the evening I'm convinced that I'm a three year old girl named Marcus.
It is only when I get home and after getting a bubble bath, followed by a tuck-in from mommy, that I lay in my bed, cuddling my favorite doll, that something else dawns on me.
My name is Marcus, yes. I am a fifteen year old boy, that's correct. But what also dawns on me is that I'm suppose have a sister and her name is Katherine. This last bit confuses me because I don't have an older sister. Slowly I drift off to sleep, trying to figure out what happened to Katherine, why she is not here and why is it apparent that I'm slowly turning into a girl.