It didn't take me too long to invade Hell. Even Lilith recoiled
before my ankh. "Why was Lilith so scared of you, Lamorak?" the voice
of God asked, and I replied, "Because I wear an ankh of sterling
silver, and silver symbolises purity. Besides, the ankh itself
symbolises wisdom, immortality, and life generally. You might say
it's the ultimate ancient esoteric defence against Satan's evil.
That, and I use the correct tarot cards". "And what are the right
tarot cards?" a sinister, tall, human "man" asked me. "Aleister
Crowley THOTH Tarot Deck" I replied, knowing at once I faced Satan himself. Satan was disturbed by ny calmness, and I knew it. God, however, was immensely impressed, as were the archangels. "Who are you, Lamorak? More to the point, WHAT are you?" Satan finally asked. "THOTH!" I shouted powerfully, "Show Satan what I am!" The pack of 80 Tarot cards burst into the air, one of them becoming
larger until it was perfectly still. The wording was clear enough. Satan gulped. "The-The Magus? W-What's The Magus?" I smiled, as did God. We both knew Satan would really shit his pants when he heard the answer. "You poor, pathetic idiot. You really don't get it, do you, you moronic demon? The Magus card. Very well. With cards well-
dignified, it symbolises the following characteristics: Skill. Wisdom-and that's the first thing my ankh symbolises-wisdom. The card also symbolises: Adroitness,Elasticity,Craft,Cunning,Deceit,
Theft. Sometimes occult wisdom or power. Does that answer your
question, Satan?" "And what am I? I demand that you tell me!" he
shouted. In Heaven, God turned to the archangel Michael. "That was a stupid thing for Satan to say, Michael", he said. "Why?" Michael
asked. "Because Lamorak is literally pure, supernatural power. And
in his own words, "I don't take prisoners. I'd love to say there was a rule book-cricket, and all that, but there isn't. Just one
inexorable law: stay alive at all costs". And Gabriel asked, "What
about your Commandment "Thou Shalt Not Kill", Lord?" God replied,
"He said he saw that Commandment as being hypocritical, as the Holy
Bible also says 'thou shalt not suffer a Witch to live', and said it
was even worse I didn't specify which kind of Witch I had in mind,
as there are two types, the Black and the White". While in Hell, I was preparing to execute Satan. "THOTH! Show Satan what he really
is, then what his fate will be", I commanded. As with the first card, the second one appeared life-sized. The script was
perfectly clear. "What does this mean, The Moon?" Satan asked.
I replied, "Ah, yes. The Moon represents: Illusion. Deception.
Bewildernent. Hysteria. Madness. Dreaminess. Falsehood. That is what
The Moon card means. "THOTH! Show Satan what his fate will be!" I
commanded. Again, a card became life-sized. This card he recognised.
"NOOOOOOOOO! Not...Not THAT card!" he screamed. "Yes", I replied
with icy calmness, "As you said yourself, THAT Tarot card. Seven of
Swords: Unstable effort. Vacillation. Vain striving against opposition too powerful. And that opponent would be me". Before he
could strike, I drained him of his life energy and erased his demonic
energy, while the cards returned to the pack. "Modify male body as a
mortal female body. The hair should be blonde, with fine and straight eyebrows.Eye colour should be dark blue. Height ought to be 5ft. 6ins. tall. Measurements shall be 36A-23-45 inches. I will return to mu slave girl now. Farewell!" And just like that, I vanished.