I have always admired my younger brother. He always seemed to do exactly what he wanted to and never thought about what our parents would say. It seemed to me like he had so much freedom and confidence and I never knew how I could ever achieve such freedom to be like that. I work hard at school and get good grades, but my motivation isn’t always because I enjoy it. Most of the time I do, since some of the stuff I learn about is quite interesting, but preparing for exams just feels to me that it is something that I do just to impress me since I don’t have much confidence otherwise.
There is also my religious temperament that my brother doesn’t seem to share. I sometimes wanted to just lie in, in the morning and not go to Church, but then I realise that it must be my weakness as a boy and that I wouldn’t be forgiven if I never. I always seem to feel inspired about it but recently with my brother acting the way he is I’m not sure what I feel about anything anymore. My brother has become so much more rebellious with smoking, skipping school and that incident at Beckers. I was worried for him as I thought it would ruin his life but at the same time I was jealous.
Why would I be jealous of my brother who seemed to be such a reprobate? The reason is that he managed to escape all the attention of our mother. She is so very suffocating. I know she means well and only wants what’s best for me but I sometimes feel like she has already planned out my whole life for me and I always think of her and how cruel it would be to let her down since everyone else has. That is why I have refrained thus far from telling my parents about Chris’ smoking and bunking off.
I had been considering priesthood as a vocation since it is something I feel would be wholesome to do with my life and had spoken to Father Mulchahy about what it involves and how to get into it. I had some very deep discussions with him and it all seems very interesting and a good vocation to do, but I’m also not sure if I’m doing it only to please others or if it is what I really want to do.
I spend a lot of time studying, but sometimes I feel like the studying is just a distraction from me trying to achieve something of my own in my life. I’m not sure but I feel sometimes I’m just doing the easy thing and continuing as I always have. As a young child I was always good and obedient, when I didn’t have a mind of my own and now I can think for myself I find it easiest not to and concentrate on filling my head with what I have been told to. Sometimes studying wasn’t enough so I got involved with loads of extra-curricular stuff at school, stuff that was seen to be good by everyone like swimming and athletics not boisterous sports but sports that showed positive development so I didn’t look too different from how I have always been.
Anyway last night something happened and I felt some sort of epiphany as if God was talking to me. I woke up and really needed to smoke. I felt like I had been smoking for years and needed my morning fix, but I also knew my parents would kill me if they found out! I remembered where Aaron left his cigarettes when I tried to find his playboy magazine one time. I took one from his packet and thought he surely couldn’t miss one and I was so desperate! It was very hard being in Church all morning needing a smoke but not being able to – I was fidgety and a bit of a wreck but hoped no-one notices – I could have always said I was just a bit tired or something. After the service I really had to go and have a smoke. I felt like I hadn’t had one for a lifetime and my cravings were quite real. I thought that the park would be the ideal place to have one since it is quite secluded and no one would see me. I lit my cigarette with some matches I had always kept as a scout and inhaled it. It felt really good. It was better than anything in the world and so relaxing. I could understand now what Chris must have felt and how harsh I’d been on him. On the way to school I realised that one cigarette would never be enough and went to the corner store to buy a full packet. It felt good getting the cigarettes in my hand. They are like a lifeline for me – the only way I can relax. At the school lunch break I desperately needed to smoke – the need was so forceful that I sneaked out of school to a secluded area I knew and lit up. It was like heaven again. I don’t understand why I never did it before. It was the best feeling in the world and such a relief. I did the same straight after school but when I got home I was so afraid that my parents would catch me that I decided it was safest to not give in to my cravings so I went to bed very dissatisfied.
DAY 2
I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I don’t need to hide smoking anymore. I am a proud smoker and decided that since my brother is so perfect and fantastic, my best friend, I’d see if he was still awake and share a smoke with him. I needed to make up for stealing his magazine and cigarette. I walked into his room and sat down next to him. I admitted to what I had done and my brother seemed very surprised that I smoked but it didn’t put me off. I was glad to have admitted it to him. I didn’t want to keep anything from him. I gave him a smoke and we enjoyed one together. He seemed to think I would care if our parents found out but I set him straight. This is my life and I will live it how I want – I don’t care what Mum and Dad think. I also told him I’d make sure he’d get off with his skipping school today. I didn’t want him to worry since he’s my best friend.
I decided not to go to Church this morning. My main role in life at the moment was to protect my brother which I guess I had been neglecting for a long time. Church matters less than my younger brother and we had a great time smoking the morning and man did I need those smokes. I had a couple more when I was in school but decided to take the afternoon off and sleep. I didn’t need a reason to skip school.
When I got up from sleeping I head Chris come in and realised that someone had taken my cigarettes! I found out that it must have been Dad who took them and I was furious. That man has dictated to me what I should do for the last time! I asked Chris to lend me one of his – I was desperately need a smoke and I knew my brother, my best friend, would help me out and he did. I wondered how Chris managed to afford all his cigarettes and he said he only had a few packets a week! I was incredibly surprised I couldn’t imagine having less than a packet a day!
We decided to head out to the shops to get me some cigarettes as a replacement for the ones Dad took and we headed to the park and started to chat. It was great that I could chain smoke all the time I was there. As soon as I put one cigarette out the need for another same straight away – I only felt properly relaxed and happy when I was smoking. I was also able to let out all my deepest feelings to my brother about all the stuff at school and about Mom and Dad and their fighting. I just get so angry and pressurised all the time and don’t seem to release it but the smoking and chatting with Chris really helped. I really felt like he was completely my best friend. After I let out all my pent up complaints about life I started having a proper conversation with my brother about stuff that mattered like music and clothes and how what I’m into didn’t really match what my friends are into. In fact I was thinking that they really matched what Pepper was into and that I must speak to him the next time I see him. I let it slip that I wanted my hair long like Pepper’s but I was also somewhat afraid of Dad still.
All my pent up rage about Dad and how he stops me doing anything I want to finally exploded when I got back home and saw Dad was there. I needed to set him straight here and now. Taking my cigarettes was the tip on the iceberg of all the crap he made me put up with. I knew my brother wouldn’t want to hear this – I didn’t like him to see me angry so I told him to go upstairs.
“Why did you take my cigarettes this afternoon!” I shouted at Dad – I was just so angry that he would take something so precious away from me.
“What – you smoke? And why weren’t you at school this afternoon?” Dad replied bewildered and confused.
“Of course I do and I love it and I just bunked off no biggie there wasn’t anything happening so decided to come back and rest. So why did you take them Dad?”
“I wasn’t home this afternoon”
“That’s rubbish and you know it. I’m completely sick with you telling me how to live my life. I’m almost eighteen so I can live it how I want to now! If I want to smoke then I will and you can’t do anything about it!”
“If that’s the way you behave then you can start contributing to the house.” Dad walked out of the front door in a foul mood and took off in his car. That’s what Dad always does – runs away from problems. I went upstairs to my room and slammed the door. I was so angry that he decided to run away from the problem and treat me like a kid.
I lit up as soon as I got to my room and it felt great – it took away all the bad feeling I had and made me happy again. I watched dad leave and puffed furiously on my cigarette. My brother knocked on the door to my room and came in. He asked me if I was ok and I said “That prick! That’ll show him!” I was so happy that I had finally stood up to my Dad.
I didn’t see the point of staying in tonight and wanted to escape from the house so I asked my little brother if he had cash and if we could go to a show. I had some cash left for myself but not enough for my brother and told him to have something to east whilst I calm down. Calming down for me meant chaining a few cigarettes. They seemed to do the trick!