Henry liked his name. He only allowed his closest friends to call him Hank. If anyone else called him Hank, he got upset. He required people to
call him Henry.
His best friend, Eugene hated his name. He only allowed his closest friends to call him Eugene. If anyone else called him Eugene, he got upset.
He required people to call him Jimmy.
One day, Jimmy brought an ad he found in the paper. "Look, I may have found a way for us to earn money."
Henry said, "By getting a job?"
Jimmy said, "Well, jobs are scarce right now and neither you or I are qualified for more than the worst jobs anyway. But I found a legitimate job
ad."
Henry said, "Not some goofy scheme like a kissing booth, is it? So what's wrong with this job?"
Jimmy said, "Well, it does have some risk."
Henry said, "I knew it."
Jimmy said, "But they pay hazard pay. It's a legitimate job."
Henry said, "What is it, being a guinea pig for a science experiment?"
Jimmy was silent.
Henry said, "It is, isn't it. You want us to sign up to get pumped full of strange drugs."
Jimmy said, "No, just let me read the ad."
Henry said, "Read it already."
Jimmy read, "Wanted: people who want to experience life in the military but who either do not want to be soldiers or don't meet military
standards. Ideal opportunity for weekend warriors. The United States Army will be holding war games in order to experiment with new tactics
and has contracted with TF Industries who wishes to invite civilians to participate to simulate real scenarios involving civilians. Applicants must
be in decent physical health and will be required to live on the military base under similar rules of conduct as if they were soldiers."
Henry said, "Not bad. This is probably the least lame idea you've come up with. But I want to run this by a few people before I agree."
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A week later, Jimmy and Henry were on their way to the military base. Along the way, they made friends with a few of the other civilian
volunteers and learned a little more about the job.
Colonel Stapp announced, "Welcome cadets. Although not officially military we will address you as cadets and you will go through a modified
basic training. We don't have time to give you a full basic training and you won't need it anyway but we will expect you to be able to handle a
gun and perform some espionage and sabotage. We didn't tell you the whole truth before. We are taking you to a secret military base and
essentially we will train you into a guerrilla force for our soldiers to practice on. We will also equip you with guns and equipment so that you
can take soldiers prisoner or mock-kill them. Remember these are war games and we don't want anyone to be hurt but we expect you to play
unfair. We expect you to use any devious and creative methods you can come up with."
Colonel Stapp continued, "The real reason for the secrecy is that we have had contact with aliens, so all you conspiracy theorists were right. But
our contact is limited. It takes them light years to travel so they only visit about once a decade. They did leave some technology behind that we
have been studying including some good old ray guns. We are going to equip you with some of this alien technology. You'll have more alien
technology than the trained soldiers as we want to train them in how to deal with a civilian militia trained in guerrilla tactics and using alien
technology. We certainly don't want to make it too easy for our soldiers, do we."
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The group arrived at camp and after a few days of settling in and learning about the base, they were introduced to the alien technology.
Colonel Stapp said, "Each ray gun is preset to cause a particular transformation. It is possible to reset a ray gun but we recommend that you
don't attempt any resets. If you mess with the settings, you might accidentally cause serious injury, even death. But there are over a thousand
of these ray guns for you to choose from so you shouldn't need to reset any of them. If the one you have isn't the one you want, simply look
through the supplies till you find the one you want."
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As the first official day of the war games approached, a guy by the name of Chris Stone quickly showed leadership potential and was promoted
to Sergeant. During our first strategy session, it was just us civilians. We were promised that no military personnel would spy on us so that the
military would not have an unfair advantage.
Sergeant Stone said, "They want us to be devious and creative. Well I think we should use a few of the ray guns on ourselves. They'll be
expecting humans to come after them but they won't be expecting birds and squirrels."
Bill, who was an unofficial second in command said, "We can't all be transformed. The majority of us need to stay human so we can safeguard
our weapons and capture prisoners."
Sergeant Stone said, "Agreed, but I'd like to ask for volunteers who'd be willing to be zapped by an alien ray gun. In particular, I was looking at
two ray guns and would like two volunteers, one who wants to be a bird and one who wants to be a squirrel. We'll zap you immediately and
send you on a spying mission before these war games even begin officially. Find out as much as you can and report back to us."
Two men named Bob and Sean volunteered. Bob went first and when the ray gun hit him, he seemed to collapse in on himself and his clothes
crumpled into a wad on the floor. They quickly undid the mess and Bob chirped, "What are you trying to do, strangle me?"
Sergeant Stone said, "Well we learned two things about these ray guns. First, they don't affect clothes. They only transform the person. Second,
as I expected from reading about these weapons, those transformed retain their human minds and can speak."
Bob's voice did not sound human. He sounded like a bird chirping and singing but his speech could be understood. He could easily imitate a
bird and still communicate with us. Then Bob found a worm and pulled it out of the ground before eating it.
Bob complained, "Did I just eat a worm? I thought my human mind was supposed to be normal."
Sergeant Stone said, "It is but you also have the thoughts of a bird now so you can imitate a bird more easily."
Bob said, "Well as long as I'm a bird. . ."
Sergeant Stone said, "You should have studied these weapons better. You'll have bird thoughts for the rest of your life, even after you return to
being human. You can train yourself to control your thoughts so you don't start acting like a bird in the middle of the subway but you will
always know how birds think."
As Bob came to terms with his new mind, it was Sean's turn. Sean said, "I didn't expect when I signed up for this that I would be learning how to
think like a squirrel but why not. It'll be an adventure. Mind if I undress first so I don't wind up smothered in my clothes?"
When the naked Sean was zapped, he quickly became a brown fur-ball. The first thing everyone noticed was his new giant tail. Sean flicked it
back and forth and hugged it a few times than in his new squirrel like voice, he chattered, "My tail is as big as me. I can't believe I'm so small. I
can't wait to climb a tree and jump from branch to branch."
So Bob the bird and Sean the squirrel were sent off together. The group began breaking up into smaller units. Some units stayed with Sergeant
Chris to be transformed for various missions. Henry and Jimmy followed Bill as he began handing out ray guns and other equipment. There
were enough TF rays that several of them received two.
Henry asked, "So what did you get?"
Jimmy said, "I got two shrink rays. The presets say that this one will reduce a person's size by 92 percent in one shot. This other shrink ray only
reduces by one percent per shot so I'd have to hit a person several times before there'd be any noticeable effect. How useful would that be?"
Hank suggested, "Perhaps we could use it to shrink ourselves so we can crawl into tight places but still be large enough to capture prisoners."
Jimmy said, "That might work. So what did you get?"
Hank said, "I got a flattening ray. The preset says that the flattened person will be flexible like cloth and can be folded and put in my backpack.
My other ray says it's a rubberizing ray. I don't understand what it does except that it says who ever is hit with this ray can be squashed or
reshaped like clay but will reform after an hour. I wonder if I flatten someone and then rubberize them, will they reform flattened or does the
rubberizing ray cancel out the effects of the other rays."
Jimmy said, "Let's ask."
They asked and Bill announced to everyone, "We do not know for sure whether these rays can be used in combinations or not. That's part of the
experiment. Colonel Stapp said that he believed the rays could be used in combinations. He said that some rays had been used successfully in
combinations but he also said that further testing is required. So does anyone want to be a guinea pig and experience life as a shrunken,
flattened, and rubberized chicken?"
Everyone laughed and no one volunteered.