Just for the purposes of keeping things clear, our CAST OF CHARACTERS
The SETTING of the story is in the American MIdwest, in a small but pretty college town surrounded by semi rural areas.
Ryan Ashmore – white, 20 yo, tall, 6 ft 1 in, short brown hair, straight, handsome, cocky, funny. Minimal body hair. Everyone loves Ryan most of the time. Sometimes too much. He has had three girls stalk him since the start of high school, one of whom attends the same university as himself. He is funny but sometimes does not take things seriously enough. Suffers from immaturity and likes to annoy people he doesn't like. parents Debra and Kevin Ashmore, divorced. Ryan lived with his mother after the split and his father is solid upper class in the banking industry. Has a little brother he practically hates, Mikey Ashmore, age 9, who is in all respects an utter (and spoiled) terror.
Leo Mitchell – white, 20 yo, 5 foot 5 inches, small, gay, twinkish, light brown hair, looks younger than he is, parents Jack and Lana Mitchell. Leo tends to think poorly of himself and has low self esteem, which he keeps to himself (he does not like to share his emotions) even though he is witty and likeable. Others see him as fun to be around and a generally good friend. He is pretty much the glue that holds the group together and he is an excellent negotiator in general.
Darrell Washington – 19 yo, black, thin, straight, 5 foot 11 inches, medium sized, short curly Afro, somewhat of a stoner, very chill personality, likes to laugh. parents James and Alison Washington. He has an uncle in prison for cocaine possession, much to the shame of his family, who is fairly well off upper middle class. He also has an older brother Tyson in the Marine Corps, who tends to outshine Darrell, especially in his mother's eyes, and she often wishes Darrell could be more like him, much to Darrell's indifference.
Craig Morrow – 19 yo, straight, 5 foot 9 inches, messy curly black hair, stereotypical nerd looks, glasses, Jewish, neurotic, asthmatic, likes complaining, has a number of irrational fears including fear of sports fields and gyms. Heavily bullied in school, he is still recovering emotionally. Bizarrely, Ryan loves to hang out with him because he thinks of Craig as a sort of project for him, and is constantly trying to get Craig to loosen up. Ryan stood up for Craig when he found out his former asshole and psychopath roommate Sean was locking him out of the dorm. Ryan let Craig stay at his dorm until the matter could be settled. Craig's parents don't know how bad the situation was, but it was bad.
Angelina "Gina" Herrera – 21 yo, Hispanic, 5 foot 6 inches, athletic, loves soccer and softball, wears a ponytail and often a baseball cap, tends to be anxious, has two annoying brothers (Gustavo, age 17 and Guillermo, age 10) parents Fernando and Sofia, she is not currently getting along with her parents due to her sexual orientation and arguments that arise from it. From a very hard working class background, she resents her heritage and the slums she rose from. Is ashamed of her father (for being a drunk), fed up with her mother. Has an extremely rigorous work ethic. Tends to be militant when it comes to all political liberal causes, especially gay rights.
Victor "Vic" Barberini - 21 yo, Italian American, 5 foot 9 inches, slouches a lot and his personality could be defined as wanting to slip into the background, gay but closeted, originally from New York until his father relocated to the Midwest for business. Tends to veer toward self pity, which is often offset but Leo's more positive approach towards life. parents Jerome and Lila, he gets along with his mother but tends to want to avoid his rather control freak father, who was a star athlete and stands a full six inches taller than his son. Jerome Barberini is a definite alpha male and likes to be the center of attention. Both have rather ordinary looks and olive complexion.
Part 1: The Gay, the Hitch, and the Wardrobe
It was moving in day and Leo Mitchell was just hoping everything would go off without a hitch. He had just spent his first year of college in the dorms and now he was moving himself and five of his friends into a huge house that had been the property of his now deceased great uncle Teddy. He shuffled inside with boxes along with a gaggle of other people and their parents and family members.
Leo was slight of build and looked much younger than he was. He had just turned 20 and he looked 16. Very little body or facial hair, short, light brown hair, and gay. He had a shy demeanor that he was trying to overcome, and luckily for him the house provided him with an opportunity to be a little more popular with people he’d met who he got along with and hopefully would have a better time living with than in the dorms. He had been somewhat miserable with his roommate for the year but friends he’d made were supportive. Everyone he decided to bring in, with his parents approval was pretty chill.
There was Darrell Washington, a black sophomore who was medium of build with a slight Afro and a constant infectious laugh. He was just saying goodbye to his father.
“Now this is goodbye for now, son. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Especially with a beautiful woman in the house.” James Washington, his father, looked over at Gina Herrera, the only girl who would be living in the spacious turn of the century house which was a dream come true for any realtor.
“I’m a lesbian, actually, so uh…no problems there.”
“Oh, well, I didn’t know. But I’m relieved, because I want Darrell occupied on his studies. Which you will do, keep your eye on the prize.”
“Yes, dad. I promise.”
Meanwhile, Ryan Ashmore, aka Mr. Perfect aka Mr. Popular in his own mind, found his room on his side of the house.
“This house is HUGE, Ryan. I’m shocked you lot can afford it.” His mother Debra fawned at the many features of the house, from the staircase to the hardwood floor to the statues on marble columns.
“I know, isn’t it cool? But they want to keep it in the family and Leo’s uncle isn’t gonna need it so…I guess all us amazing young people will have to somehow survive here.”
“Ryan, how many bedrooms does this place have?”
“Ten, but…Leo’s parents didn’t want more six people here at a time.”
“Maybe your father and I should move in, so we don’t have to let go of you!” She pinched his cheeks, reaching up. Ryan was tall, good looking, not too athletic but just enough to make the track team, and often funny. Leo had a crush on him but would never admit it to him.
“You’re funny, mom. Hey, is that you Barberini? Hey, you’re a lot older than I remember.”
“I’m Jerome Barberini, I’m Vic’s father. Vic? Oh, there you are. Introduce me to everyone!”
“Dad, this is Ryan and his mom.” Vic couldn’t wait for his father to leave. Although his dad didn’t really outshine him in the looks department (both of them were of rather plain looks Italian stock) he always outshone him in conversation. Jerome was friendly and outgoing and a congenial host and Vic always just wanted to melt into the background. He hated being put on the spot for anything. He was socially awkward and a complete opposite of his father, which was one reason he was majoring in mathematics. But the main reason he wanted to avoid talking to his father was he was closeted and 100% gay. His family did not approve of “that kind of lifestyle” and so he had pretty much been trying to avoid any conversation at all. He had told his father that Leo was gay but assured him that his generation just didn't have a problem with it and his father "overlooked it" because it was a great rental.
People moved in and out of the house with boxes. The last to arrive was a nerdy, thin, Jewish boy with glasses who wore a constant look of embarrassment. His parents didn’t help, asking how much everything in the house must have cost. They struck up a conversation with Ryan’s mother and Criag Morrow bolted for Leo as fast as he could.
“I can’t wait until they leave. On the car ride they made me listen to accordion music while they talked about how they expected grandchildren by the time I turn 25.”
“Wow. I wish someone would plan my life that specifically.”
“No you don’t. Shut up, Mitchell. There’s a lot of dust in his hallway.” He got out his inhaler and took a spritz he breathed in heavily.
Leo went in and out of various rooms, noting that a few of the valuables had been sold off. The bulk of the furniture remained but the grand piano had been sold, as well as the grandfather clock, and the few portraits of presidents had gotten a pretty penny. His father had gone through the attic and removed most of the boxes with family history in them. The rest had been a lot of old furniture left to rot. A few things were left in there specifically for him but Leo had not gotten to see yet what his uncle had left him. His father said everything was locked up. Mainly his father was worried about clearing things out to avoid rats.
All Leo knew was that at some point, his uncle had traveled extensively and so a lot of the keepsakes were still in the attic.
He checked in on everyone. Gina was having hushed but angry words with her brother Gustavo. The Washingtons were discussing the paint job and the wallpaper. The Barberinis were enthusiastically shaking hands with everyone (well at least one of them was, Vic looked like he had to take a shit really badly) and Ryan was being charming around various moms.
“OH sweetie! I am just so proud of how you’ve handled yourself this year. And I have a present for you. Well, for both of us.”
His mother produced T-shirts from PFLAG. With big rainbow flags on them.
Leo smiled and gave his mom a big hug. Unlike Vic, coming out to his mother had been both unnecessary and totally easy. His father tried to act surprised but after your son loves to watch Glee and every other musical ever made since the age of five, and had posters of Neil Patrick Harris up in his room, it was a bit hard. Jack and Lana Mitchell were very proud of their gay son and Leo had had a rather ideal childhood.
His only hangup? Being ordinary. Always feeling like he was lacking what others had. He just didn’t feel special. He loved his family, and they loved him and he told himself that was what was important.
Finally, it came time for evening. Everyone went out to dinner to celebrate. They clinked glasses and made toasts to Leo’s passed on great uncle Teddy, who he only met a few times but really liked. And then it was back to the pad.
The next day, Gina talked about how overgrown the huge, expansive yard was. A huge metal gate surrounded the property.
“I feel like I’m in the Addams Family House over here!”
“So that would make you Morticia? Or the dragon?”
“Shut up, Ryan.” The two fake hit each other.
“Well I gotta go into town to get some groceries. You guys wanna come with me?” Vic asked.
No one needed groceries, except Leo. The rest had plenty of food packed by their parents. Craig came along because he needed asthma medication.
“But seriously, Mitchell,” Vic called him by his last name, as most people did. Leo preferred it to his last name. “Thank you for getting me out of the dorms. I couldn’t take it anymore. All those hot, sweaty, asshole football players. God, I hate that I want them so badly.”
“Some of them are okay.” Leo replied.
“So not fair. I hate how composed you are. You should be neurotic. Like us.” Vic told him.
“What is this “us” business? You think just because I’m Jewish I’m neurotic?” Craig asked.
“YES.” the gays replied. They laughed.
“It’s true. But look at me, I’m like if you look up the word “awkward” in a dictionary. I’m the picture. The picture of awkward.”
“Yeah, but your mom is hot.” Leo smirked.
“Haha, funny man. Very funny. You funny gay man.”
“But seriously, thank you. You’re a good friend. The rent is very, very reasonable.” Vic said, as he drove.
“Yeah I don’t think I would have survived much longer. All the times I had women in my apartment, screwing my old roommate. In his room. Or the kitchen. Or the living room. Or on my bed.”
“Geez. Sounds…rough.”
“In every sense of the word. My virgin brain just couldn’t take it. Yes, I’m a virgin. It’s truly shocking.”
“Dude, who cares? It’s not like I’ve had sex,” Vic said.
“But you have an excuse! You’re gay and closeted. But everyone at the house knows, right?”
“Yeah and I told them to keep their mouths shut when my parents come over. Hopefully we can both get laid after we settle in.”
By the time they got back to the house with groceries and medication, Leo remembered he still hadn’t explored the attic.
“Hey, who wants to come with me to look at old junk in the attic?”
“Is it your junk? Because always,” Ryan said, flirtatiously.
“Please. I have to be wooed.” Leo replied.
“How about “wowed”. I can wow you anyday.”
“You couldn’t “wow” a..a…nerd convention.”
“That sucked.”
“You suck.”
“You wish.”
“Shut up. Okay, seriously, who wants to check out the attic!”
Only Darrell, Vic, and Gina volunteered. To get to the attic they went up the grand staircase onto the second floor. Most of the bedrooms were up here. At the end of the right side of the hallway was a broom closet and inside were the stairs to the attic, small and cramped.
Inside the attic it was spacious and Leo’s dad Jack had made him clean up a lot of the dust and instructed him to carry things down but he hadn’t really had a chance to get a load of what was left. Sunlight from outside was visible through a small circular window and the tops of the oak tree waved in the wind silently.
“Holy shit, do you have enough steamer trunks?” Gina exclaimed. She ran a hand through her ponytail.
“Oh. Uh…no.”
“Let’s open these up. Are there keys?”
“Yeah, but most of them are already open.”
There were a huge number of things from around the world. Great uncle Teddy had been around the world in the 50s. Knicknacks from India, Egypt, Africa, Japan, Indonesia, Australia abounded. A digiridoo, African masks, statues of Egyptian gods, tribal musical instruments from all over, a huge number of European trunks, filled with tons of vintage photographs in albums, magic tricks (he knew a magician apparently) so there were wands and cards and all sorts of things, like an electromagnetized trunk that would stay put so you couldn’t move it (according to the instructions), hoops and loops, so many things used for stage magic Leo barely knew what some of them were.
“Wow. He and this magician guy were close. Like…real close. Uh…every single one of these photos has them doing stuff together.”
Darrell started laughing infectiously. “OH man, your uncle was gay! I knew it. Soon as I saw the artwork everywhere. Gay men know how to decorate.”
“It’s true, we do,” Leo said.
There were trunks of sporting goods. Most of them old school. Real old high school varsity trophies. Huh. Great uncle Teddy must have been quite the athlete.
“This guy has more sports trophies than I have bad dates.” Darrell said.
“Hey look, this one has toys!”
Tons of vintage toys. Tons and tons of collectibles. Too many to name.
Finally something caught Leo’s eye. A huge trunk with a sheet draped over it. He took off the sheet and noticed this one had been locked. His father had given him the keys to the house and only one of them looked like it fit.
He had to get the help of his friends to pry it loose. The trunk folded outward in half. It was more like a small closet. Inside were clothes. Glorious clothes! So many clothes.
“It’s the mother ship, calling us home!” Vic cried.
“Hey look! This envelope has my name on it!” Leo opened it. Inside, neatly typed, was a letter addressed to him from Uncle Teddy.
Leo read it out loud:
“Dearest Great Nephew,
Well, I’m a goner! Guess it had to happen someday! I kept to myself for a long time for a reason, though. I had a good life but I’m a private person. As you may or may not have deduced, I was gay and the love of my life was a man named Hieronymous.”
“Really? Hieronymous?” Darrell said in disbelief.
“Quiet,” Leo continued.
“He was a magician by trade and I was wealthy enough from my inheritance to follow him around the world. We had a dual act for quite a while. We went on many excursions. I have costumes in other trunks from Finland, Australia, Fiji, and Peru, but this particular trunk my dear nephew is special. So listen. Listen carefully.
Hieronymous was no mere magician. He was part of a, well, group of magicians who were…also real. He knew some old magic. Real magic, passed down from magicians who used to live in palaces, who would make men into kings. This secret group passed on its secrets. But something terrible happened to them. I’m still not sure what. But Hieronymous says there was a war between them and he was lucky enough to evade them all. He had skills in shapeshifting. No one would be able to guess he was who he used to be.
I know this sounds unbelievable but you will believe me in time.
Every article of clothing in this trunk is magical. I have listed here the properties of each item in detail. What they can do. I did not make myself younger or immortal and I could have. After Hieronymous died (in a plane crash at the North Pole) I decided I would allow Nature to simply take its course. To you I pass on these amazing gifts. I have always known out of all my relatives, you were most like me. And you are a good man. I hope you use these clothes wisely, to protect yourself and make sure that others are safe. Use them wisely and sparingly. Do not attract too much attention to yourself! If members of this secret magician group are still out there, you must be careful. I always was.”
“Uh…no offense but how did your uncle die?” Gina asked, worriedly.
“He died…in a plane crash. Over the ocean.”
“My condolences.”
“This is super creepy!” Vic cried out.
Darrell laughed at him, inappropriately and continuously.
“Okay. So, magic clothes. Got it.” Gina said.
Leo read on. If this was a joke, it was elaborate. They took turns reading through the various pages.
“A FULL LIST OF ITEMS AND THEIR PROPERTIES
An old top hat - give you the ability to manipulate what others decide to do with their lives. Can't do anything negative. So for instance you could make someone decide to take up weightlifting, dieting, with goals of becoming jocks or more sports oriented
A cape - gives you the ability of being seen as sexually unattractive. It helps if you are being stalked or just have an unwanted suitor. Effects are not permanent but do last for several months. So be careful who sees you in it!
An old brown leather aviator's jacket (WWII era) - just the opposite effect, makes you sexually irresistible to practically anyone. Again, be careful! Effects last several months for this as well. I'm going to add this one requires you hold someone's hand or directly come into contact with them. They will then think of you as a sexual beast.
Antique cologne - gives you the ability to make straight men gay (you have to wear it at the same time as your victim, after worn for a few hours the effects are permanent)
A bow tie - gives you the ability to be the life of the party, completely fun in any situation, and makes you very popular
A regular tie - makes you impressive to any business associate. Anyone will want to hire you, give you a raise, or turn to you for financial advice. Be careful, though, as this does not give you ability to match those expectations!
Size 14 shoes - will make whoever is wearing them tall enough to fit into a size 14 pair of shoes. If you have big feet already it may not work very well. Most men will shoot up to 6 foot 6 inches at the very least, 7 ft at the most. Effects are permanent. It is suggested that you stand in them and grow a little bit and step out and thus complete the height goal over a period of time in order to let people think you are growing in spurts.
A tuxedo - makes people think you are intelligent, the longer you wear it the more you are able to absorb knowledge. It does give you ability but the knowledge will be of an expertise of the person nearest you. If you stand next to a doctor, you will begin to understand medical knowledge. If you stand next to a lawyer, the same is true for legal matters. If you wear the tuxedo to bed that night (or whenever the next time you fall asleep is) the effects will be permanent and you will retain said knowledge. If you do not wish to retain information, simply take the tuxedo off before you snooze.
A smoking jacket - instantly turns you into a more macho version of yourself, more full of yourself, confident, but also egotistical and somewhat crass. Imagine a Mad Men office character slapping the ass of his secretary and telling her she wants it. A dominant alpha male personality. The more you wear it the more people will want to do as you tell them to do. Your suggestions will become more pleasing to them over time. Also makes you a cigar smoker. The effects wear off after a few days. Will not alter sexuality.
A baseball mitt - imbues whoever wears it with the ability to give sports-oriented gifts through wishing. It can only be one aspect of any particular sport or one given position. For instance. "I wish Mike was an amazing baseball pitcher. I wish Sam was an amazing soccer goalie".
Boxing gloves - last but not least, these imbue the wearer unlimited muscle growth but with a catch. You can only acquire five pounds of muscle per session wearing them. If you are overweight it will be weight loss first. The "recharge" lasts for five days so you have to wait five days before reusing. Boxing abilties are also instantaneous while wearing the gloves but only while you wear them. Boxing knowledge is lost directly after you take off the gloves.
A regular old leather belt - One may think this curbs weight but no, it increases looks in the FACE only. Increases facial handsomeness to extreme levels. Your body will be unaffected. Your looks will increase over a week, before reaching 100% "level 10" handsomeness. Effects are permanent after a week. If you take the belt off before this, at ANY point, even to go to sleep, the effects will revert. It's best to wear your pants for a week if you are obsessed with your looks only.
A pair of heavy work gloves - Instant metallurgy knowledge and construction expertise. Effects are temporary and must be worn once a day to retain.
A cowboy hat - Instantly makes you talk like you are from Texas, with knowledge of cattle herding, lassoing, animal husbandry, and all things country. Personality changes are almost instantaneous. Effect not permanent. Must be worn daily in order to be a good ol' boy.
A mechanic's jumpsuit: instantly makes you an expert at motorcycle, car, and truck repair as well as knowledge of makes of those vehicles in general. Effect not permanent. Must be worn daily to retain knowledge.
A jock strap - This very special little number increases masculinity. That covers a broad area. The longer the wearer has it on, the more Alpha that wearer becomes. Muscle tone increases somewhat but if you want muscle you should use the boxing gloves. What this does is increases your libido and increases your ability to lead. Leadership skills increase, as well as a cool confidence. The wearer begins to resemble a frat jock who goes on to successful businessman in easy transition, making it all look easy to the rest of the world, because for him it is. For especially effeminate gay men there will definitely be behavior change as they will become increasingly more "straight acting".
A pair of worn boxer shorts - Men anywhere would be delighted by this little item. It causes penile growth. But...be careful. The growth is one inch per day. Don't wear the boxers for TOO long. You may very much regret it!
A class football ring - Makes the wearer not only an instantaneous genius at football strategy, but also will give one the appearance of a college football jock. But ONLY when wearing the ring, Reversion to your regular form without the ring is instantaneous. It is not advised to try to wear the ring too long because the longer you wear it, the more you forget your previous knowledge and experience.
An old WWII era military jacket. - I think it's obvious what this does. Instant military strategic abilities as well as INTENSE patriotism to America. Only works for anyone who is from a nation that was an Allies member in WWII (France, England, USA, etc) One small catch on this item: it is made for a smaller man. This item will work for small size wearers ONLY.
A drawing journal and pencil set - Twenty pencils included. The journal has limited pages left so really it is recommended to artists only. The artist may draw anyone he desires in an enhanced state and that person will absorb the qualities the artist has given them. The catch? If you rip the drawing the person will revert to their original state. Also, abilities and changes must be not only drawn but written down in a list at the side. It is possible to just draw someone's head as a portrait and list changes you wish to happen to them on the side. Changes take effect when the artist signs their own name to the piece. ONLY TEN PAGES LEFT in the journal. Use your drawing skills wisely! It should also be noted: THIS IS THE ONLY ITEM IN THE TRUNK THAT WILL CHANGE REALITY FOR EVERYONE ELSE. Once changes are made, NO ONE ELSE BUT YOU WILL REMEMBER HOW YOU USED TO LOOK.
A pair of regular dress pants. - These will change the wearer from female to male. They are the only clothes that work for any female as the rest are designed for males. Effects are permanent after one week. If this occurs, it will not change reality for everyone else. No one will know who you are unless you tell them and hopefully they believe you.
A briar smoking pipe - This brings maturity. Upon each full pipe smoked the pipe makes the smoker gain one year in age. Keep out of the hands of minors!
A candy dish - This has the reverse effects in terms of age. Candy placed in the dish will automatically melt years off your life. One year per small candy. Again, keep out of the hands of minors!
An old pair of cum stained socks - These are perhaps the most dangerous item in the chest as they make the wearer completely subservient to whoever is nearest to them. Use with EXTREME caution!
An old school businessman's vest - It looks like something out of Boardwalk Empire or Mad Men. Very graceful. This item has the reverse effect of the homosexuality inducing cologne. It changes a homosexual man to heterosexual. But whereas the effects of the cologne are permanent after a few hours, the vest takes considerably longer. If you really want to make the conversion from gay to straight, you must wear the vest every day for a year.
A straight razor - This old fashioned way of shaving will make you look cool but it will also ensure that you grow a five o'clock shadow much thicker than your normal one, or give a younger man a very mature looking ability to grow facial hair. Keep out of the hands of minors unless you want your second grader to have a thicker beard than you.
A bottle of aftershave - NOT to be confused with the cologne, this little bottle ensures an entire beard or mustache, goatee, or whatever other facial hair you desire....in mere minutes. The aftershave does work for chest hair and pubic hair, arm hair, and leg hair. BUT, be careful! If you use on your arms, legs, body, or back, those effects for hair grown in those areas WILL BE PERMANENT. You may shave of course but that hair will continue to grow back.
A black and white striped tie - For a white man, will turn that man black. For a black man, it will turn him white. Effects last for only one day. Effects are permanent if worn every day for one year.
A white and yellow tie - Same race change aspect but for Asian/White
A white and brown tie - Same race change aspect but for Hispanic/White
A small Native American necklace - Native American race change
A hobo's shoelaces - This unusual item turns the wearer into a smelly, unclean, homeless looking version of themselves and everyone will perceive them as homeless, forgetting who they really are. Effects, however, are not permanent and will stop the minute the shoes are taken off. It is not recommended to use these ever, but especially not on an enemy. Remember, they can use those same laces on someone else the minute they take them off.
A rain slick - This poncho gives the wearer a rather unusual ability in that they can gain one attribute of their choice (any ability, any change physically or mentally) BUT ONLY while walking IN THE RAIN. Effects can ONLY be reversed while wearing the poncho in the rain. Not recommended if you live in an especially dry area such as Nevada. Multiple changes are not possible. One attribute per customer at a time.
An old pair of spectacles - Actually bestows 20/20 vision to the wearer after one day. Effects are permanent
A pocket handkerchief - One may wonder what this could possibly do, and the answer is surprising. When you blow your nose, or sneeze into it, you instantly look like the man in your life who you consider to be your personal worst enemy. Does not work multiple times after you change and change back, so you only get to do this one time before returning to your old self. Does NOT work if you just wipe boogers on it, oddly. You must have either a runny nose or an actual sneeze in order to get it to work. Use with caution, lest you be confused for the twin of your worst enemy. IF you have multiple enemies who you view equally as enemies, the handkerchief will decide the most dangerous to you and use that as the template.
A pocket watch - One may think this grants time freezing powers but one would be wrong. All it does is make you forget everything you have to do and makes you late for anything you need to attend. Not very useful.
A fedora - This smart little hat looks very dapper but it doesn't give you class. It changes your voice. Simply wear the hat and WRITE DOWN the name of the man or boy whose voice you wish to have and you will sound JUST LIKE them! Simply tuck the name of your choosing inside the band of the hat where it touches your head. It may help to use a safety pin or tape. Again, use with caution. A boy with the voice of a man or a man with the voice of a boy would stand out, as well as accented voices or voices of the famous. The good news is this works anytime, anywhere, and you can get away with utilizing it for an infinite number of male voices. Extremely useful in stage acting.
A pair of wingtip loafers - This gives you the appearance of your father at the time you were conceived. An odd item, it is most useful for those who do not know the identity of their fathers.
A pair of dentures - Oddly, holding these for an hour will give you the appearance of your grandfather at the time of your conception. You must say out loud either his name or specify maternal or paternal grandfather. If your grandfather was dead at the time of your conception, the dentures will give you the appearance of your grandfather one year before his death.
A baseball cap - Out of all of the items in this chest, this is perhaps the most dangerous. It lowers intelligence. The longer it is worn, the more difficult all matters of intellect will become. Simple problem solving ability will get harder, as well as math and proper grammar. DO NOT USE THIS YOURSELF. It is recommended for enemies only. The effects are permanent unless co-opted by another item.
A scientist's pair of goggles - This will be the antidote to the baseball cap. It imbues its wearer with greater intelligence. The longer it is worn the easier it will become to figure things out! But just remember, with greater intelligence comes greater responsibility to use that. If you want to just have a simple life, you won't get it by being a genius. The effects are permanent unless co-opted by another item. For both this and the baseball cap, the only other items that could possibly co-opt these effects are the football ring and the drawing set.
A comb - Makes bald men grow hair. Simply start combing and you will see the area begin to grow follicles again. Takes a solid hour of combing in order to get a full head of hair again.
A pair of cufflinks - Makes you extra classy and suave. Differs from other items in that it centers on CHARM. Your ability to persuade will increase. Useful mainly because it works well with getting into clubs. Earns you "cool points". Other men will wonder how they can be as cool as you.
A pair of jacks - These small trinket toys will make you act very childlike. You will think of yourself as an 8 year old boy and act like that for the rest of the day, in spite of your age. Mental effects are permanent if held once a day for a year, though this is unlikely. However, and this is a biggie, if they are on your person for more than six days, you will not think of yourself as a little boy in a little boy's body. You will wake upon the seventh morning thinking you are 8 years old in a mature, adult man's body. This is not recommended. If you use this on your enemies, you will have to ensure they play with the jacks once a day.
A fountain pen - Gives you the ability to write professionally. The catch? It only works once per customer. Once you stop writing whatever you are working on for more than an hour, you don't get a second shot.
A pair of wife beaters - These undershirts switch your body with anyone MALE. They work with anyone who is male, anytime. However, be careful! If someone doesn't know you and you get them to wear one, you will wake up the next day with their body but unless they wear that shirt to bed with them you will not switch back. If they give the shirt to someone else and you wear your shirt to bed, you may swap with someone you don't know at all. It is recommended you not try this with an enemy unless you have a way of securing the shirt you are not wearing soon.
Compression shorts - causes the wearer to get significant gains after wearing them. The catch is, the front is too tight so it shrinks your penis/testicles to fit properly. The effects wear off after 24 hours if you take off the shorts. If you wear them for more than 24 hours continuously it becomes permanent. But your penis will shrink to about 1 inch long.
A pair of extended front briefs - sort of the same as the compression shorts, except it makes your penis/testicles larger to fit. The problem is after it takes effect the wearer becomes incredibly horny. His testicles produce cum at impossibly fasts rates so it just keeps leaking out. Effects last for two days no matter how long you wear them. They only work once per customer.
An extra large wrestling singlet - Makes the wearer grow to fit both taller and heavier. His skill sets and knowledge drains, being replaced with wrestling, dieting, workout, and public relations knowledge. He'll be a crowd favorite who's not the brightest bulb in the store. Even after taking off the singlet he won't change back. Warning: there is no going back after wearing this item. One single usage is enough to diminish your IQ to about 85.
Swimming speedo with a shark design - causes a man to grow into a swimmer's build within hours. Height, weight, and musculature are arranged along with lung capacity to create the PERFECT swimmer. However, certain "sharklike" tendencies will emerge, including a stomach that will eat and process entire bones, raw meat (which the swimmer will crave), third and fourth rows of teeth to replace any broken ones, and an increasing desire to stay in the water. Swimmer takes on these traits over a day, the effects last a full week. If left on for more than a year, you will grow gills that will allow you to breathe in the ocean, so you will have to wear a scarf on land. Other tendencies include a desire to be "top of the food chain" so an intense business acumen will be absorbed as well. This is perfect for that college graduate that wants to retire early in a tropical area.
A lobster bib - wearing this will cause instant weight gain and for those in the gay community, bear like looks. If tucked in, it will make you gain 15 pounds of fat A DAY. The best way to co opt this is through the boxing gloves, but the fat you lose will take longer, 5 pounds per 5 days. Use with caution unless being a hairy bear is your thing.
After Leo, Gina, Darrell, and Vic had finished reading through the list, none of them knew what to say.
“So…”
“Yeah…”
“Uh…”
“Dude, let’s try one!” Darrell said.
“Okay, seriously, none of these would work for me anyway. Why no magic lesbian corset or something?”
“Okay, first of all, wrong century. Second, gay guy, gay guy clothes, do the math. Do you want to be a guy?”
“No. Screw you.”
“I…they probably do nothing. I mean it’s all probably just an act.” Vic decided.
“Yeah. Yeah. Let’s try shit on!” Darrell said. “I’ll go first. Gimme the wingtips. I’ll look like my dad, that’ll be a trip.” Darrell laughed. They searched and Vic spotted them.
They all stared at the shoes as Darrell tried them on…
“See, nothing happened. Oh my God. My voice!”
James Washington stood before them now. A 30 something black man, bald and fat.
“My hair! My voice! Oh my god, my stomach! This is so fucking weird!” His stomach jutted away from a shirt that no longer fit him.
“I’m gonna faint.” Gina said.
Vic just backed up and fell over some boxes. Leo stared, blinking.
“My stomach is fucking huge! How the hell does my dad even go around like this. It’s like I’m pregnant.” The man with the gut bent down and unlaced the shoes. He stepped out of them and returned to normal. Darrell was Darrell again.
“Okay. Okay. No one panic.” Leo said.
Vic’s heart was beating a mile a minute. He started to freak out but the others calmed him down.
“We don’t tell anyone about this. I’m going to lock everything up. We’ll decide what to do. I’ll take the list with me and we’ll…I dunno.”
“This is seriously fucked up shit, you guys,” Gina said.
“I agree. We should think about what we’re going to do. You’ll let us use this stuff, right? I mean, as long as we keep it between us?” Vic said.
“What about the others?” Leo asked.
“They don’t have to know, dude.”
“We have a secret!” Darrell jumped up and down. “Okay, inappropriate.” Darrell laughed.
“Okay. Let’s just promise to keep this to ourselves until the weekend. Just go about our daily lives as if this never happened and just think about it. Okay? Okay.”
Everyone shuffled out of the attic. Leo locked it behind him.
And thought about how he would go about using the magician’s magic wardrobe to make himself a fucking stud.
Later that night, he would come back for...