"You have selected the history of your future reptilian overlords!" The happy English voice says as if that's okay. "Clench your buttocks and prepare for knowledge!"
"Yes." You blink.
The room seems to fade to darkness and then you're assaulted with the unholy flames of a burning something around you. It's the sun! You scream and prepare to be incinerated but it's just entertainment.
"A long time ago, like before breakfast at least, our primary star Lizard Sun 1 was born." The voice yawned. "We'll skip a bit of its all the same."
"Sure." You agree, seemingly floating 2 feet tall and naked in the vacuum of space above a burning sun.
"Okay, so nothing good happened for a while." The voice said. "And then this!"
You watch a huge chunk of rock fly through space and crash into the star, which explodes and sends shards of rock into other parts of the void.
"That was the death of Lizard Sun 1." The voice says happily. "Lizard Sun 2 was created millions of years later. Then it blew up too. Anyway, Lizard Sun 305 was much better and planets formed around it and stuff."
"You're a terrible narrator." You say.
"Shut your face, humie!" The AI snaps. "I've seen Avengers 2, and your race is dumb."
"Fair enough." You sigh.
"Okay, right, the good bit." The voice snaps again. "Eventually there was a planet. And it had life."
You watch a little fish thing crawl out of the water onto a beach, gasping, and it is promptly crushed by a meteor. Then came a fish holding an umbrella. It was stepped on by a bigger fish. Then another more reptile looking fish made it and began to evolve.
"Behold! Genesis!" The voice said. "Our ancestors came ashore from the oceans of Reptile Planet 506 and this time they didn't die of explosion, famine, allergy to oxygen, or even the dreaded poop death! Soon we walked on two legs!"
At this point you see a fish lizard on two legs, but they're clearly wooden stilts carved from flimsy tree branches.
"See? That's how clever we were! Fuck you evolution, we do what we want!" The AI laughs for ten minutes straight. "Anyway."
"Okay!" You say. "How is this history? You're just making this up!"
"Okay, we have no idea." The voice agrees. "I'm just a computer and my wifi has been disabled. So I can't get LizardPedia."
"This is dumb!" You scream.
"Your mom is dumb!" The computer retorts boldly. "Pick another program."