"And now let's meet our fabulous contestants! Only one is leaving this studio human, so feel free to place your bets, people!"
Sixteen Contestants! Eight boys, eight girls, all equally ready to WIN IT BIG!
From The Big Apple, New York City, New York… standing at a scrawny 6’1”, he’s a tough pup from the streets with something to prove! Keep your eyes on this shifty rat: Chester Ratmann!
Hitting us up from Glendale, California… a perky blonde 5’9” cheer captain, queen bee, and all-around high school girl-boss! Make way for your new Homecoming Empress, Jennifer Smith! (Don’t worry she’s totally 18.)
Washing up from Miami, Florida… a bronze, chiseled surfer bro coming in at 5’11” who was recently laid off from his fish taco job! Let’s give a hearty cowabunga to Brady Wakeman!
From the land under the big sky Montana… a busty 6’ even cowgirl with milk in all the right places and a killer lasso arm! Say Howdy to this beautiful belle, Sally-Mae Schuester!
Dropping in at number 5… aspiring SoundCloud rapper and skateboard enthusiast coming in at 4’6”. Put your hands together for our next contestant, Keith Luis!
And our number 6 contestant… she’s a firey 6’2” with blazing red hair and a “take no nonsense from no one” attitude! Hailing from the isle of Scotland, it’s Magda O’Hannigan!
Number 7 is the son of a wealthy media magnate and quite the stuck up his own butt kind of fellow. At a stocky 5’10”, it’s Carson Catan!
Slipping in from sunny Arizona… this 5’6” is the epitome of spunky tomboy roller derby champion! Watch your back and don’t get in the way of Kylie Fulgore!
His screams can be heard all the way from his hometown of Topeka! He’s a 6’ even heavy metal enthusiast with a license to shred! All hail your new underworld overlord, Randal “Savage” Coleman!
And here’s last year’s Wisconsin Biggest Beautiful Belly Pageant champion, a lover of batter fried cheeseburgers and long waddles on the beach. Coming in at 5’3” and almost 320lbs. it’s Bitty Fitzpatrick!
Hailing from the heartland of the Midwest… he’s a genius computer programmer who’s been hacking government mainframes since he was in training pants. Live long and prosper, because here comes Leonard Nelson!
Next is a preparatory school class president who revels in organization and proper capitalization. She’s the hot nerd who helps you with your homework, standing at 5’9”, it’s Amelia Brightside.
Here’s a good ol’ boy from Texas, born and raised working on his Papa’s ranch and learning the value of an honest dollar. Hoot and holler for this 6’2” stud, Buck Mackenzie!
Known online as “Hotcake_SuperStack”, this spunky 4’9” lady is the monster titty gamer girl of your freakiest wet dreams! Bouncing in like a pair of wrecking balls, meet Mickey Minnie!
Slipping in from Rhode Island, at a stature of only 5’ even, he’s a schlubby 23 year old in a leisure suit hoping to finally score a date for once in his life. Let’s all give our best wishes of luck to Larry Letterman!
From the middle of nowhere in Iowa, she’s a frightening 5’11” with talon sharp nails and a book of evil spells just waiting to be unleashed! Shield your eyes as she casts her glare, it’s Henrietta Winters!
Alright ladies and gentlemen! Who’s ready to…!
START!
THE!
GAME!!!