(This teaches me not to post at the wee hours of the morning.)
"I'm not having sex because I'm not seeing anyone right now. Last time I did was six months ago." So far you're telling the truth. Then you decide that it's really none of this guy's business and say "Well, you know, I'm really a girl in disguise, and it's hard to find lesbians so I don't have a girlfriend, nor a dick. Is that okay with you?"
"It's fine with me," says the man in the robe. "We're pretty open-minded here. Well, Miss..."
"My name's Max, and it's 'Mister'."
"But you just told me you were a girl in disguise. It should be 'Maxine', and you can't possibly be a 'Mister'?"
"I was just messing with you! Sheesh."
"I see. Well, I have just the spell for you. I told you you could have it for free, so here goes." Before you can do anything else he touches the blackboard. One of the spell titles disappears into a cloud of chalk dust, which moves towards and covers your body for a second....